Chapter 331

Compliments of A. G.

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point and asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.

The man started sobbing and said, ‘You can take anything you want. But please untie the rope and free her.’

Thief: ‘You must really love your wife!’

Man: ‘Not particularly, but she will be home shortly. ‘

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My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect.

Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss.” He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: “Your wife called. She wants you to bring her sign back.”

✧ ✧ ✧

Compliments of A. B.

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothes I’d like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash. It’s much easier.

Wife: But there are poor, starving people who can really use these clothes.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothes is not starving.

Husband is now recovering from head injury.

If Adam and Eve had been Chinese, we’d still be living in the Garden of Eden

They’d have eaten the snake, and not the fruit...

Office sign:

Ditcher, Quick and Hyde

Divorce lawyers

People are all excited about the new iPhone

But no one has caught up with the awesome technology of using your blinker when you drive.

“For dust you are, and to dust you shall return.”

That’s why I don’t dust – It could be someone I know.

Isn’t the correct term for dentures, “substitooths”?

When you get older, three things happen. The first is that your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. (Norman Wisdom)

Poor guy, he lost his sardine.

Well, finders kippers...

How do dogs like their eggs cooked?

Pooched...

I once saved a rat from drowning.

How?

I gave him mouth to mouse resuscitation...