Chapter 315

Say thanks to the GuardianKnight ‎for this group:

A new batch for you. You may need to add a little whitespace since I don’t submit things here I am not sure if you need more separation that this:

Q. Why did the carpenter’s wife leave him?

A. Because he was screwing around when he should have been nailing her.

Q. If a bluebird has blue babies and a redbird has red babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A. A swallow.

Q. Did you hear about the woodworker who fell into a vat of varnish?

A. It was a terrible end, but a beautiful finish.

I bought a dog from a blacksmith today. As soon as he got home he made a bolt for the door!

A blond is walking down the street with one tit hanging out. A cop stops her and says, “Look darling, as pretty a picture as it makes, you’re going to have to put that away. I could cite you for indecent exposure.”

“Why?” says the blond.

“Your tit is hanging out!” replies the cop, astounded.

The blond looks down and says “Oh, shit! I left the baby on the bus again!”

A man’s been through a rough patch of health, and the docs can’t work out what’s wrong. After he’s baffled the final expert, his doctor turns to him and says, “We can’t work out why this is happening, but you’re probably going to die in the next three months. What you can do is cut out all fatty and spicy food. Get rid of alcohol, cigarettes, coffee, tea, and any other drugs. take walks every day, but make sure you don’t exercise too hard.”

The man says, “Will that give me longer to live?”

The doc replies, “No, but it’ll certainly seem longer.”

“My missus dumped me ‘cos she says I’m too obsessed with football,” said the first fella.

“How long have you been with her?” asked the second fella.

“Six seasons.”

A young Scotsman leaves home and moves to New York. After six months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. “Horrible,” he says. “They’re always yelling and screaming. I hate how they constantly pound on the walls and stomp the floors.”

“How do you get by?” she asks.

“I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes,” says the Scot.

A man is on trial for cannibalism. He proclaims to the judge, “Well, your honor, if you truly are what you eat, then I am an innocent man.”

I rang work and said, “I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.”

The boss replied, “You have a wee cough?”

I said, “Wow, thanks boss, see you next Wednesday!”

A fly is minding his own business when a gnat lands on its back. Bemused, the fly says, “Is there a gnat on my back?”

The gnat says, “Gnat at all.”

“That’s the worst pun I’ve ever heard,” says the fly.

“What do you expect,” says the gnat. “I just made it up on the fly!”

Little Johnny was out in the park with his father when he spots a butterfly on the ground and with a leap Johnny crushes the graceful butterfly into paste under his shoe.

Angry that his son would be so cruel to living things he takes Johnny aside. “That was a butterfly,” his father said. “One of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week.”

The next morning the family had sat down for breakfast. Suddenly a cockroach ran from under the stove. Little Johnny’s mom stomped it.

The boy looks at his father and said, “Are you going to tell her or should I?”