Chapter 303

Say thanks to Uther Pendragon

Dentists find it easy to get second dates.

They all learn to make impressions.

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Chuck Schumer was visiting a Washington D.C. primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Schumer if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘Tragedy’.

So Mr. Schumer asked the class for an example of a ‘Tragedy’.

A little boy stood up and offered: ‘If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.

‘Incorrect,’ said Schumer. ‘That would be an accident’.

A little girl raised her hand: ‘If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.’

‘I’m afraid not’, explained Schumer, ‘that’s what we would refer to as a great loss’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Schumer searched the room

‘Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?’

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: ‘If a plane carrying you and Mrs. Pelosi and The Trumps and Mrs. Clinton was struck by a ‘friendly fire’ missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy’.

‘Fantastic’ exclaimed Schumer, ‘and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?’

‘Well’, said Johnny, ‘It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be a fucking accident either!!!

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Squaddie Donated these!!

Outside toilets are like Mother’s in Law. The further away the better.

Old Korean Proverb.

I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, “wow, how did you do that.” I would tell you”, answered the magician predictably, “but then I’d have to kill you.” After a moments pause the same voice screamed out “can you tell my mother in law?”

Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy? A: Two mothers-in-law.

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem, George’s mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial. The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost him as much as $5,000.00. The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem. This would only cost him $150.00. George thinks for some time and answers, “I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back, that’s what I want to do.” The Consul says, “You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price.” “No, it’s not that,” says George. “You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can’t take that chance!”

Office executive “Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?” Boss “Certainly not!” Office executive “Thank you so much sir! I knew you would be understanding.”

Q: What is a difference between “accident “ and “tragedy”? A: Suppose you with the family are beside a pool. You suddenly push your mother in law into the pool - so it’s an accident. If she could swim and gets out, in that case, it’s a tragedy!

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, “I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.” Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, “I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”

Someone going to work sees a crowd of people walking. Looking at the beginning of course, he sees a coffin behind a gentleman with a little dog followed by the crowd. Approaching the owner and he asks him: “What happened here, man?” “Pff, my mother-in-law died,” he said. “Hush how sad eh ... And, if allowed, how?” “My dog bit her...” “You don’t tell me! Could you lend him to me just for tonight?” “Get in line!”

A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the backseat. The women just won’t leave him alone. His mother-in-law says, “You’re driving too fast!” His wife says, “Stay more to the left.” After ten mixed orders, the man turns to his wife and asks, “Who’s driving this car – you or your mother?”

A man met a wonderful woman and became engaged to her. He called his mother to share his good news with her. He arranged to have dinner with his mother that evening so that she could meet his fiancée. When he arrived at her home, he brought along three women - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. His mother inquired as to why he had brought three women, instead of just one. He replied that he wanted to see if his mother would be able to guess which one of the women was her future daughter-in-law. She looked at each one carefully and then replied: “It’s the redhead.” “How could you possibly have figured that out so quickly?” he inquired. She coldly replied, “Because I can’t stand her.”