Chapter 301

One evening, after the honeymoon, Dick was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally said, “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we’re married, maybe it’s time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage. You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time. And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know the boat is such an ongoing expense; and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment...”And what’s the use of that vintage hot rod?

Dick got a horrified look on his face.

She noticed and said, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

He replied, “You were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

“Ex-wife!?” she shouted, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”

Dick replied, “I wasn’t...”

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Say thanks to mixerman478 ‎

What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?

A tearjerker.

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How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his Whopper.

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I asked my wife why she never blinked during foreplay.

She said she didn’t have time.

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Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?

They couldn’t close his casket.

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Say what you want about pedophiles...

But at least they drive slow through the school zones. ✧ ✧ ✧

What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

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What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged.

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What’s the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player?

A hockey player showers after 3 periods.

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What’s does Donald Trump’s hair and a thong have in common?

They both barely cover the asshole.

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I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn.

It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

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What do a pizza boy and a gynecologist have in common?

They both smell it but they can’t eat it.

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What do pimps and farmers have in common?

They both need a hoe to stay in business.

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How is pubic hair like parsley?

You push it to the side before you start eating.

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What do you call a teenage boy who doesn’t masturbate?

A liar.

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What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?

Acne usually comes on a boy’s face after he turns 12.

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Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?

Ken came in another box.

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Real men don’t wear pink...

They eat it.

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Why are women like KFC?

After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

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How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

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A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell ‘scrotum’?”

Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.”

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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

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Why is being in the military like a blow-job?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

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What does tofu and a dildo have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes.

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How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.