Chapter 294

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer.”

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.

“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady.

“You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’??

??

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!’

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck!?? Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Not everybody pays.”

A couple more from Andy K

Did you know fleas hate winter? As a matter of fact, quite a few of them spend the cold months on the beaches of Florida.

This is about two such sun fleas (like migratory human sun birds): Sam and Jack.

Anyway, Sam is catching some rays on the beach in Florida when Jack staggers up and plops down next to him.

Sam started the conversation. “Jack, what happened? You look like something a dog chewed off.”

“Well, you know I promised to get down here from New York to join you. I couldn’t think of a way to get here until I heard a man tell someone that he was leaving for Florida the next day. So, I jumped up, settled down in his hair, and went to sleep. I had a horrible awakening. The guy was a motorcycle rider who didn’t believe in helmets. So, I spent the next 26 hours getting blasted by the wind as he drove, non-stop down here. I’m lucky I survived.”

Sam laughed, gently, and gave Jack some advice. “Look, the best way to get to Florida is by airplane. You’re in a comfortable cabin and down here in just a few hours.”

Jack wasn’t amused. “Sure, Sam, and just how do I catch a flight to Florida? The airports spray so much insecticide that I wouldn’t survive the distance from the front of the terminal to the departure gate.”

Sam replied “Jack, what you have to do is catch a ride onto the airplane. You do it this way. Go to the Strato Lounge, the bar next to the airport. That’s where all the flight crews go to grab a snack before their flights. Go into the women’s room, hide on the rim of one of the toilets, and wait until you see a Floridair stewardess come in. As soon as she sits down to do her business, jump up into her vaginal hair. You’ll have a warm comfortable spot to ride all the way down here.”