Chapter 292

Thoughts and Memories

Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race and changes you forever...

We call these people cops,...

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When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can that’s stuffed with celery?

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I run like the winded.

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Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that’ll freak you right out.

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I remember being able to get up without sound effects...

Good times!

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My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

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When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like ‘East’

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The older I get the earlier it gets late.

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If you answer the phone with “Hello, you’re on the air!” most telemarketers will quickly hang up...

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That moment when you walk into a spider web and you suddenly turn into a karate master!

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I don’t remember much from last night but the fact I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.

✧ ✧ ✧ I hate when a couple argues in public and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.

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A Large group of people is called a “No Thanks.”

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I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

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To me ‘drink responsibly’ means don’t spill it. ✧ ✧ ✧

Cop, “Please step out of the car.”

Me, “I’m too drunk, you get in.” ✧ ✧ ✧

When I say “the other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

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I don’t mean to interrupt people; I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

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When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

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I finally got 8 hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

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Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.

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Sixty might be the new forty but 9:00 is the new midnight.

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Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself. Me: I’d rather not ... I kinda want this job.

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When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear??”

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If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”

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When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

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It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a heard of turtles.

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I’m bored, I think I’ll go the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car with the reverse lights on.

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