Chapter 289

Say thanks to Pepere for this one!!

In a terrible car accident, 3 nuns die at the same time. They all appear in front of the gates of Heaven to meet Saint Peter. When they arrive, Peter informs them that those who lived a life of the cloth must answer some basic questions about theology before they are permitted to enter Heaven. Each of the nuns has studied their bible well, so they don’t feel worried by this. The first nun steps forward and tells the saint that she’s ready.

“Who was the first woman?” Peter asks. “That’s easy!” exclaims the nun. “Eve!” Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open.

The second nun, encouraged by her colleagues easy pass, steps forwards and tells Peter that she’s ready, as well. “Who was the first man?” Peter asks. “Easy! That’s Adam!” says the nun, excitedly. Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open.

The third nun is now confident that she won’t have any trouble, and steps up to face Peter’s question. “What were Eve’s first words to Adam?” he asks. “My, that’s a hard one,” the nun replies worriedly, but Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open...

✧ ✧ ✧

Mike S is responsible for this group...

Confucius Say
A Penis is the only thing that a woman hopes she will find hard to handle.

Confucius Say
A relationship is the opportunity to do something you hate with someone you love.

Confucius Say
The inventor of shag carpet made a big pile.

Confucius Say
Some Sex Is Good ... More Is Better ... Too Much Is Just About Right

Confucius Say
A Tattoo is permanent proof of temporary insanity.

Confucius Say
The Opera is the only place where a guy gets stabbed and instead of bleeding, he sings.

Confucius Say
A Magazine is a bunch of printed pages that tell you what’s coming in the next issue.

Confucius Say
A Cannibal is person who likes to see other people stewed.

Confucius Say
An Optimist is a girl who regards a bulge as a curve.

Confucius Say
A Shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death.

Confucius Say
A penis has a hole in the end so men can be open minded.

Confucius Say
Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you’ll have a pretty good idea how she’ll be in bed.

Confucius Say
Man with five dicks will have pants that fit like a glove.

Confucius Say
It’s ok to let a fool kiss you, but don’t let a kiss fool you.

Confucius Say
To reuse a condom, turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it

Confucius Say
Men screw with dicks; women screw with minds.

Confucius Say
Masturbation is a solo played on a private organ.

Confucius Say
Mother’s Day comes nine months after father’s day.

Confucius Say
A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.

Confucius Say
It’s all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you’re done.

Confucius Say
Killing two birds with one stone often ends with hate mail from the humane society.

Confucius Say
The best way to save face, is to keep the lower part of it shut.

Confucius Say
To make a long story short, don’t tell it.

Confucius Say
Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction.

Confucius Say
A giraffe’s family reunion is called “necks of kin.”

Confucius Say
A man is only as faithful as his options.

Confucius Say
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Confucius Say
Never argue with a fool ... he may be doing the same thing.

Confucius Say
The best way to keep your word is not to give it.

Confucius Say
A man’s last will and testament is a dead give away.

Confucius Say
When you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

Confucius Say
Bad singers break into song because they can’t find the key.

Confucius Say
The wise speak when they have something to say,
the fools speak when they have to say something.

Confucius Say
If you worry about yesterday’s failures, today’s successes will be few.

Confucius Say
A Rubix cube is like a penis. The longer you play with it, the harder it gets.

Confucius Say
The greatest fault is to be conscious of none.

Confucius Say
He who thinks by the inch and talks by the yard deserves to be kicked by the foot.

Confucius Say
A woman can humiliate any man by simply saying “Hold my purse.”

Confucius Say
An Egotist a person more interested in himself than in me.

Confucius Say
When solving problems, dig at the roots instead of hacking at the leaves.

Confucius Say
The best time to go to the dentist is tooth hurty.

Confucius Say
Artificial Insemination is procreation without recreation.

Confucius Say
The useless skin around a penis is called “a man”.

Confucius Say
Pubic hair is just organic dental floss.

Confucius Say
It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.

Confucius Say
A single fact can ruin a good argument.

Confucius Say
An Arch Criminal is one who robs shoe stores.

Confucius Say
The best way for university student to turn their life completely around is to get 90 degrees.

Confucius Say
The worst thing about oral sex is the view

Confucius Say
An old grave digger is called an Elderberry

Confucius Say
A gay gentleman from the Deep South is called a homo-sex-y’all

Confucius Say
A Greek tampon is called “Abzorba the Leak.”

Confucius Say
Even a fish can escape being caught, if it keeps its mouth shut.

Confucius Say
Well done is better than well said.

Confucius Say
Even a turtle only makes progress when it sticks its neck out.

Confucius Say
New York manufacturer of gentlemen’s headwear is called “Manhattan”.

Confucius Say
Homosexuals don’t play chess because they don’t want to sacrifice a Queen.

Confucius Say
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Confucius Say
Those who get to big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Confucius Say
The quietest place in the world is the complaint department at a parachute packing plant.

Confucius Say
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

Confucius Say
A good woman will do 70 chores around the house. Cooking and 69.

Confucius Say
A vagina is like a very small hotel. One must leave his bag outside.

Confucius Say
A Platonic Relationship develops after two good friends are tired of screwing each other.

Confucius Say
A chicken is the result of a sitting hen, while a baby is the result of standing cock.

Confucius Say
Man with one foot on ‘yesterday’ and one foot on ‘tomorrow’ will end up pissing on ‘today’.

Confucius Say
Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy

Confucius Say
When one man rub lotion on another man, it is called “Men-Gay”.

Confucius Say
Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax, doesn’t know if he’s coming or going.

Confucius Say
If a bulldog and a shitsu are mated, it would be called a “bullshit”.

Confucius Say
Jamaican proctologist is called “Pokemon”.

Confucius Say
Alcohol is the cause of some problems and the solution to others.
Confucius Say

Flatulence is the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Confucius Say
Man who mix Rogaine with Viagra will end up hard headed.

Confucius Say
Prisoners complain behind bars, husbands complain in them.

Confucius Say
The difference between a dog and a fox is about five drinks.

Confucius Say
Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

Confucius Say
Vitamins are good for what ails you. Viagra is good for what fails you.

Confucius Say
A clean tie will attract the soup of the day.

Confucius Say
A friend is someone who thinks you’re a good egg even though you’re slightly cracked.

Confucius Say
A diet is a selection of food that makes other people lose weight.

Confucius Say
A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.

Confucius Say
A Politician is one who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Confucius Say
If woman meets a bachelor who thinks he’s God’s gift, she should exchange him.

Confucius Say
A practical nurse is one who marries a wealthy, terminally ill patient.

Confucius Say
A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other.

Confucius Say
A smile is like tight underwear ... it makes your cheeks go up.

Confucius Say
A humorous question on an exam is called “Testicle”.

Confucius Say
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

Confucius Say
To get an Irishman to climb on the roof, tell him that the drinks are on the house

Confucius Say
Man with a lisp will walk with a Lymph.

Confucius Say
Woman who come to bed wearing nothing but running shoes, wants to have marathon session.

Confucius Say
At a nudist wedding, you don’t have to ask - you can see who the best man is.

Confucius Say
A Church’s bills are always “Due unto others”

Confucius Say
Egghead is what Mrs. Dumpty gives Humpty

Confucius Say
A verbal outburst during the male orgasm is called “Sperm Wail”.

Confucius Say
Prostitute who likes bondage is usually strapped for cash.

Confucius Say
For every woman with a curve, there are several men with angles.

Confucius Say
Never marry a woman with big hands. It will make your dick look smaller

Confucius Say
The only thing divorce proves is whose mother was right in the first place.

Confucius Say
A vigorous masturbation session is called “Hand to Gland Combat”.

Confucius Say
Gay dinosaur is called Mega-sor-ass.

Confucius Say
A flying saucer will appear when a nudist spills his coffee

Confucius Say
To get rid of unwanted pubic hair, one must spit.

Confucius Say
A prostitute with a degree in psychology will blow your mind.

Confucius Say
Always wear stealth condoms ... they’ll never see you coming.

Confucius Say
A transvestite is a man who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

Confucius Say
Amish woman’s secret fantasy is two Mennonite.

Confucius Say
When a bomb goes off in the middle of a herd of cows, there will be udder destruction.

Confucius Say
Best way to cure water on the brain is with a tap on the head.

Confucius Say
A drunk who works at an upholstery shop is a recovering alcoholic

Confucius Say
Man who finds job at crystal ball company will make a fortune.

Confucius Say
A butler with no teeth is called an in-dentured servant.

Confucius Say
Man who want to catch a bra, should set a boobie trap.

Confucius Say
Misfortune is the kind of fortune that never misses.

Confucius Say
If You look in fortune cookie, you are a pathetic fool who seeks advice from bakery products.

Confucius Say
Virgin like balloon ... one prick, all gone.

Confucius Say
A tight dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view.

Confucius Say
Criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

Confucius Say
Forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.

Confucius Say
You know you are a geek when you look at a movie trailer and think, “I have that font.”

Confucius Say
Birds of a feather flock together ... then crap on your car.

Confucius Say
Men are like spray paint. One squeeze and they’re all over you.

Confucius Say
Couple who cross LSD with birth control pills, get a trip without the kids.

Confucius Say
To circumcise a whale, send down four skin divers.

Confucius Say
An award winning dentist will be given a little plaque

Confucius Say
The opening in the front of your boxer shorts is called the “Circumvent”.

Confucius Say
A bachelor is man who never makes the same mistake once.

Confucius Say
Never tell a secret to a pig, it may squeal.

Confucius Say
Man who give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach will “Abdicate”.

Confucius Say
Man who is impotent will have Willy-nilly.

Confucius Say
Woman who absent mindedly answer the door in her nightie is “Negligent”

Confucius Say
When wife complain too much about no magic in marriage, husband will disappear.

Confucius Say
It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they’ll know as little as their parents.

Confucius Say
Gay man in Chinese restaurant will order “sum yung guy”.

Confucius Say
The difference between pink and purple, is your grip.

Confucius Say
The worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary is morning sickness.

Confucius Say
Rudolph was grounded after his dad saw his report card because he went down in history.

Confucius Say
Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a rise.

Confucius Say
A kiss on the lips is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.

Confucius Say
Education is the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.

Confucius Say
12 months of drinking low-calorie beer is 1 Lite year.

Confucius Say
Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter is Eskimo Pi

Confucius Say
Women and rocks are very much alike. We skip the flat ones.
Confucius Say
Police will arrest a transvestite, and charge him with male fraud.

Confucius Say
Marriage is like taking a bath ... after you’ve been in it for a while, it isn’t so hot.

Confucius Say
Learn to masturbate--come in handy.

Confucius Say
People are like teabags - you don’t know how strong they are until you put them in hot water.

Confucius Say
Paedophiles love Halloween because of “Free home delivery”.

Confucius Say
One who lacks the courage to start has already finished.

Confucius Say
The heaviest thing to carry is a grudge.

Confucius Say
If you want your dreams to come true, don’t oversleep.

Confucius Say
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.

Confucius Say
Though no one can go back and make a brand new start,
anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.

Confucius Say
Action may not always bring happiness; but there is not happiness without action.”

Confucius say:
Man in shower playing with tool not necessarily plumber.

Confucius Say
Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.

Confucius Say
Those who say they “sleep like a baby” haven’t got one.

Confucius Say
The white powder found on your penis after a blind date is called Handthrax

Confucius Say
The best way to get a woman to argue with you, is to say something.

Confucius Say
It’s not what you wear, it’s how you take it off.

Confucius Say
Taliban’s national bird is “duck”

Confucius Say
Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone, both look out window and see Rubble

Confucius Say
An Impotent Loser is one who can’t even get his hopes up.

Confucius Say
“It take many nails to make crib, but only one screw to fill it.”

Confucius Say
“Your strength lies in your continued belief that what you just ate was indeed duck.”

Confucius Say
Today’s dog in alley is tomorrow’s moo goo gai pan.”

Confucius Say
Gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy much alike. Both can smell it, but they can’t eat it.

Confucius Say
Food that goes rotten while being transported to the store is “un-pallet-able”.

Confucius Say
It’s not how deep you fish, it’s how you wiggle your worm.

Confucius Say
Dry cleaner who is in a hurry for a date, will be pressed for time.

Confucius Say
When Indian Chief Shortcake died, squaw bury Shortcake

Confucius Say
The difference between wives and husbands is, Wives want to videotape the birth of their child.
Husbands want to videotape the conception.

Confucius Say
Man who checks out woman’s package, doesn’t always work for UPS.

Confucius Say
Mummys who take vacation, will relax and unwind.

Confucius Say
Dalmatians can’t play hide and seek, because they are always spotted.

Confucius Say
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Confucius Say
He who hesitates is probably right.

Confucius Say
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it’s open.

Confucius Say
The toilet of the Star Ship Enterprise contains ‘the captains log’.

Confucius Say
The biggest room you have, is the room for improvement.

Confucius Say
Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car.

Confucius Say
One cow spying on another cow is called a steak out.

Confucius Say
Part-time bandleaders should be called ‘semi-conductors’.

Confucius Say
The fear of death keeps us from living, not from dying.

Confucius Say
Tears are the hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water power.

Confucius Say
Heat must travel faster than cold because, it is easy to catch a cold.

Confucius Say
If men had breasts, they would wear off the pockets of their shirts.

Confucius Say
Deaf people have phone sex by fax.

Confucius Say
A “smart ass” is someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavour it is

Confucius Say
Viagra is like Disneyland ... a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

Confucius Say
It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want.

Confucius Say
Man who pamper his cow, will get spoiled milk

Confucius Say
“Never cut the rope that can be simply untied.”

Confucius Say
If you do not wish to get to the point, never play leap frog with a unicorn.

Confucius Say
The difference between roast beef and pea soup is that anyone can roast beef.

Confucius Say
A fool and his money are soon partners.

Confucius Say
All’s fear in love and war.

Confucius Say
Sex is like a Ford Explorer. Going too fast may cause a roll-over injury

Confucius Say
“Ulcers aren’t the result of what you eat. You get ulcers from what’s eating you.”

Confucius Say
Adults are just wrinkled kids who owe money.

Confucius Say
Newscaster who reports hurricanes, knows how to talk up a storm.

Confucius Say
Man who was a dude before marriage, is now subdued.

Confucius Say
When you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

Confucius Say
A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don’t get it.

Confucius Say
Woman who fall in love with elevator operator, usually get the shaft.

Confucius Say
The only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back, is a police horse.

Confucius Say
An optimist is a man who hasn’t had many experiences yet.

Confucius Say
The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can hold it.

Confucius Say
To ignore the facts, does not change the facts.

Confucius Say
Woman who dates gambler, gets cheated on.

Confucius Say
Girl who go on fishing trip with 6 men, come back with red snapper.

Confucius Say
A woman will be “Queen of the sewers”, if she has accessible manhole.

Confucius Say
If a soda can goes to college, it will take “fizz ed”.

Confucius Say
Prisoner who paints in jail, will have brush with the law.

Confucius Say
Men are like fish ... neither would get in trouble if they kept their mouths shut.

Confucius Say
Geometry teacher who loses parrot, will have polygon.

Confucius Say
Woman who dates trash collector, will get dumped.

Confucius Say
Company who make women’s vibrators is called, Genital Electric.

Confucius Say
Sperm sample from Nobel Prize winner is called, ‘Stroke of Genius’.

Confucius Say
If all women’s lib activists were laid end to end, it would be the best thing for them.

Confucius Say
Independent porno movie producers should form new company called, 20th Century-Fux

Confucius Say
Nurse who goes missing at beach, can be found under the doc.

Confucius Say
Gay Austrailian man will leave his wife and return to Sydney.

Confucius Say
Man who try doggie style sex, won’t want to face his wife again.

Confucius Say
Student who study history, will find there is no future in it.

Confucius Say
Man who work all day for a pool maintenance company, will feel drained.

Confucius Say
Epileptic lettuce farmer makes “Seizure Salad”.

Confucius Say
If the washroom upstairs is occupied, there is a hypotenuse.

Confucius Say
The only one whose troubles are behind him, is a school bus driver.

Confucius Say
Just because men have one, doesn’t mean they have to be one.

Confucius Say
The supermarket is where you spend 30 minutes hunting for instant coffee.

Confucius Say
Alarm clock is something that makes people rise and whine.

Confucius Say
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Confucius Say
Argument between pharmacist and a patient is called a pill owe fight

Confucius Say
Since a lawyer joined our nudist colony, he hasn’t had a suit.

Confucius Say
Many arguments have two sides, but no end.

Confucius Say
The best defense against rape, is to beat off the attacker.

Confucius Say
Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.

Confucius Say
Cinderella would be bad at football. Her coach was a pumpkin.

Confucius Say
When TV repairman got married, the reception was excellent.

Confucius Say
The palest ink is better than the best memory.

Confucius Say
Miners with illuminated helmets, will feel lightheaded.

Confucius Say
A man can keep his youth, by giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Confucius Say
The best way to slow a runaway horse, is to bet on it.”

Confucius Say
Getting sick at the airport, could be a terminal illness.

Confucius Say
Blondes have more fun because they are easier to amuse.

Confucius Say
Undertakers are nice - they’re the last to let people down.

Confucius Say
Self-centered trumpet player, likes to toot his own horn.

Confucius Say
Jokes become a father, when the punch line becomes apparent.

Confucius Say
A person will never tell a lie, if the truth will do more damage.

Confucius Say
Best way to make wife’s panties wet every day, is to do the laundry.

Confucius Say
Balloon factory will go out of business if it can’t keep up with inflation.

Confucius Say
Man who start crystal ball factory, bound to make a fortune.

Confucius Say
There is no future in writing a history book

Confucius Say
The difference between a lawyer and a chicken is, the chicken clucks defiant.

Confucius Say
Men in a singles bar have one thing in common ... they’re all married.

Confucius Say
“Migration” is the headache birds get when they fly South for the winter.

Confucius Say
Lady who goes down first time out, is called “Titanic”

Confucius Say
Deaf people have phone sex by fax.

Confucius say,
“Whoever gossips to you, will gossip about you.”

Confucius Say
I ask wife for “light lunch”. She serve fireflys.

Confucius Say
Crossing dinosaur with a pig, will make Jurassic Pork.

Confucius Say
An Austrailian Kiss is similar to French Kiss, but given down under.

Confucius Say
Man who mix poison ivy with four leaf clover, have rash of good luck.

Confucius Say
Prostitute with her hand in her panties is “self employed”.

Confucius Say
Do not argue with spouse who is packing your parachute.

Confucius Say
Some fisherman catch their fish by the tale.

Confucius Say
Whether or not sex is better than pot, depends on the pusher

Confucius Say
A bachelor is a man who is footloose and fiancée-free.

Confucius Say
If you run into your ex on the street, just shift into reverse and keep going.

Confucius Say
Man who wants to kill a circus troupe, should go for the juggler

Confucius Say
If you want to watch the world pass you by, try driving the speed limit.”

Confucius Say
An Impotent Loser is a man who can’t even get his hopes up.

Confucius Say
A handkerchief should be called “Cold storage”.

Confucius Say
Sex is like vacation ... it never lasts long enough.”

Confucius Say
Never tell a one legged hitch hiker to “hop in”.

Confucius Say
Women are like convertibles. They’re both more fun with their top down.

Confucius Say
A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Confucius Say
Woman who loses wedding ring in kitchen, should remove her drawers

Confucius Say
The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary

Confucius Say
Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your children.

Confucius Say
When your ship comes in, make sure you are willing to unload it.

Confucius Say
“A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.”

Confucius Say
When things go wrong, don’t go with them.

Confucius Say
A speech is like a bicycle wheel ... the longer the spoke, the greater the tire.

Confucius say,
“It is impossible to sling mud with clean hands”.

Confucius Say
Always yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again.

Confucius Say
Don’t let your affection give you an infection. Put some protection on that erection.

Confucius Say
“Man who has nothing to say, should say nothing.”

Confucius Say
In prison, best way to separate the men from the boys is with a crowbar

Confucius Say
A good life is like toilet paper ... Long and useful.

Confucius Say
Basic unit of laryngitis is 1 hoarsepower

Confucius Say
The perfect gift for man who has everything, is a burglar alarm

Confucius Say
Christmas trees are like priests ... Their balls are just for decoration.

Confucius Say
Half of a large intestine is equal to one semicolon

Confucius Say
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall ... after a mediocre summer

Confucius Say
It is better to give than receive- especially advice.”

Confucius Say
“Happiness is a way station between too little and too much.”
Confucius Say
Gynecologist and the pizza delivery man are very much alike...
both get to smell the goods, but neither one can eat it.

Confucius Say
“Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career”.

Confucius Say
An optimist is a person who doesn’t understand the enormity of the problem.

Confucius Say
Van Gogh was a painter because he didn’t have an ear for music.

Confucius Say
Banker who sits in freezer, will have frozen assets.
Confucius Say
Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.

Confucius say,
“A man may be a fool and not know it ... but not if he is married.”

Confucius Say
The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.

Confucius Say
Woman who wear something from Victoria’s Secret, have no more secrets.

Confucius Say
A 400 pound lady, who likes both men and women, is a bisexual built for two.

Confucius Say
Husbands are like fires ... they go out when left unattended.

Confucius Say
Character is like a fence ... it cannot be strengthened by whitewash.

Confucius Say
A perfectionist is one who takes great pains, and gives them to everyone else.

Confucius Say
Woman who gives away free potato chips, will offer you a free Lay.

Confucius Say
It’s better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.

Confucius Say
Surgeon who make mistake, forced to take a cut in salary

Confucius say,
A virgin, sleeping on a waterbed is called ‘cherry float’.

Confucius say,
Blowing into a blonde’s ear is called Data transfer

Confucius say,
An “egghead” is what Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

Confucius say,
Man with head up ass, can’t see for shit.

Confucius say,
A transvestite is one who likes to eat, drink and be Mary