Chapter 287

A cat dies and goes to Heaven.

God meets him at the gate and says, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.”

The cats says, “Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.”

God says, “Say no more.” And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, “All our lives we’ve had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore.”

God says, “Say no more.” And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, “How are you doing? Are you happy here?”

The cat yawns and stretches and says, “Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best!”

The secret to a long life...

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life. He said. “You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you’ll live to nice ripe old age.”

So, the young cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to be the nice ripe old age of 96.

When he died, he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren ... and a 16-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Bad Mom?

“Can you pleasehold my hand?” A mother asks her son: “Anton, do you think I’m a bad mom?”

Son: “My name is Paul.”

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After the flood

After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.

After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about.

“Why have you not multiplied?” he asked.

To which the snakes responded, “we can’t, we’re adders.”

Noah being a quick thinker went off into the woods to fell some trees, and fastened them together into a platform. He then placed the snakes on the platform and lo and behold the snakes immediately laid a clutch of eggs

Because you see, even adders can multiply on a log table.

Virginity is like a bubble.

One prick and it’s gone.

If you don’t believe in oral sex...

... keep your mouth shut.

Fixing the dents

One day a Stepford Wife entered an auto body shop claiming that she’d suffered extensive damage to her new car.

The mechanic thought he’d have some fun with her so he told her that she didn’t need him to fixed all the dents.

He said she could fix them herself by blowing into the tailpipe as hard as she could and they’d all pop out.

The Stepford Wives went home and proceeded to get down on her hands and knees in the driveway. She was blowing into the pipe as hard as she could and her face was turning purple when The Stepford Wife from across the street walked over and asked what she was doing?

After hearing the whole story the second Stepford Wife pauses for a moment then responds, “Hello! The windows are down!”

The Church Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business.

Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.

He didn’t explain, defend, or deny.

He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house ... walked home ... and left it there all night.