Chapter 282

Compliments of Andy K ‎

Another bar, a different night.

It was a slow night at the bar, only a few tables full and, with one exception, the usual beer-and-a-shot crowd at the bar.

The new guy waved Mike, the bartender, over and started a conversation

“Mike, I’m Artie and I have a question for you. Are you any kind of a betting man?”

Mike asked back “What kind of betting man do you mean?’

Artie said “Y’know, the usual stupid bar bets; anywhere from ten bucks up to fifty, depending on the bet.”

Mike smiled. “I’ve been known to place a wager or two over the bar. What do you have in mind?”

Artie replied “Okay. For fifty, I bet you that I can bite my right eye.”

Mike thought this was impossible, but it would be worth fifty just to see him do it. “Ok, Artie, you’re on for fifty.”

Artie grinned, popped out his glass right eye, bit it, and pushed it back in.

Mike slid the fifty over the bar and laughed. “Artie, how many people have you gotten with that one?”

Artie said “Plenty, but I’m running out of bars. But, just to show you I’m a sport, how about double or nothing that I can bite my left eye?”

Mike thought “He can’t have two glass eyes, he’s been able to see everything, pick up his beers, and all that shit” So, he said “Double it is. Show me.”

Artie pulled out his false teeth, bit his left eye and put the dentures back in.

Mike laughed again, “Artie, that was worth the hundred to get a story I’ll use for years.”

Artie sat and worked on his beer for a few minutes then called Mike back.

“Mike, how about a big bet? I’ll put up a thousand dollars that I can stand on top of one end of your bar and piss into a shot glass all the way at the other end. I won’t miss a drop and will fill it exactly to the brim.”

Mike couldn’t believe this one. His bar was thirty feet long. No one could arc a thirty foot piss exactly on target and cut it off exactly on time. “Artie, you’re just trying to throw your money, a lot of it, away. I can’t take the bet.”

Artie smirked “What is it Mike? Are you too chicken to gamble on this?”

Mike replied “First, let’s see the money. If you put a grand on the bar, I’ll match it and watch you make a fool of yourself.”

Artie pulled his roll from his pocket, peeled ten c-notes off and spread them on the bar. Mike matched it and stepped back to watch.

Artie climbed up onto the end of the bar and told Mike to put a shot glass – “A clean one, please” – on the other end.

After Mike had slid the glass around into a spot Artie accepted, the show began.

Artie unzipped his pants and pulled Mr Johnson out. He then wet his index finger and held it over his head to check the breeze. He squinted down the bar, shuffled back and forth to get the perfect position, lifted his hose, arched his back, and let fly.

Artie pissed everywhere. He hit the bar, the bar stools, the top shelf booze behind the bar, the bar mirror, and even hit Mikes ankles. He hit everything except the shot glass which stayed bone dry.