Chapter 281

Say thanks to Wyden for this one!!!

Marie stands on the riverbank yelling at Pierre. “Where are you going, Pierre?”

Pierre (paddling downriver): “I am leaving you, Womahn””.

Marie (holding up his gun): “But Pierre, what will I do with zis?”

Pierre (paddling faster): “Give it to your brothair”

Marie (holding up his axe): “But Pierre, what will I do with zis?”

Pierre (paddling even faster): “Give it to your brothair”

Marie (holding up her skirt): “But Pierre, what will I do with zis?”

Pierre (paddling upriver): “Some day I leave zat womahn.”

Pierre: “For forty year, Pierre, he drive ze truck. No one, zey evair say, ‘zer go Pierre, ze truck drivair’, but suck wahn leetle cawk and zey all say, ‘zere go Pierre, the cawksukair’”.

Company Cars Have The Following Features Rarely Found In Private Cars.

1. They travel faster in all gears, especially reverse.

2. They accelerate at a phenomenal rate.

3. They enjoy a much shorter braking distance.

4. They have a much tighter turning circle.

5. They can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.

6. Battery, Oil, Water and Tyre pressure do not have to be checked nearly as often.

7. The floor is shaped just like an ashtray/empty beer can bin.

8. They will only use petrol that is bought from the most expensive service stations.

9. They do not need to be garaged at night.

10. They can be driven for at least 100 Km with warning light’s flashing before needing to be checked.

11. They need to be cleaned less often, especially the inside.

12. The suspension is reinforced to carry heavy loads such as roofing tiles or other building materials.

13. They have been adapted so that reverse gear can be engaged whilst the car is in forward motion.

14. The tyre walls have been reinforced so that the car can be driven into or over kerbing.

15. Unusual or alarming engine noises can be eliminated by increasing the radio volume.

16. Company cars need no security; they can be left anywhere, anytime, unlocked with the keys left in the ignition.

17. Company car users rarely need to use their own car, except when making social visits to company executives on their days off.

Government Pipe Specifications.

1. All pipes are to be made of a large hole surrounded by metal or plastic around the hole.

2. All pipes are to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes that are different length than the pipe.

3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipes must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter), otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. All pipes are to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside later.

5. All pipes should be supplied without rust. This can be more readily applied at the job site. N.B. Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes if required in your area. This will save time on the job site if used.

6. All pipes over 500 feet (153 meters) in length should have the words ‘Long Pipe’ clearly painted on each end so the contractor will know it is a long pipe. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 Kilometer), must have the words ‘Long Pipe’ in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine if it is a long or short pipe.

7. All pipes over 60 inches (152mm) in diameter must have the words ‘Large Pipe’ painted on it, so the contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe.

8. Flanges must be used on all pipes. Flanges must have holes for bolts around the edge, separate from the big hole in the middle.

Postcards sent from friends whilst on holiday are now starting with ‘Having a wonderful time, wish I could afford it.