Chapter 276

😱After my wife died, I couldn’t even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I’m out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!

😇Got an e-mail today from a “bored housewife 32, looking for some action!” I’ve sent her my ironing. That’ll keep her busy!

😠 My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm!

😠Anyone got an owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s giving off a terrible whining noise!

😠My wife apologised for the first time ever today. She said she’s sorry she ever married me!

😁My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason!

🎂Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90 per cent. It’s called a wedding cake!

😎Things turned really ugly at my house last night. The wife removed her makeup!

😵My wife shouted at me this morning for not opening the car door for her. I would have, but I was too busy swimming to the surface!

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I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish. “I wish to live forever,” I said. “Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant that particular wish.” “Fine,” I said, “then I want to die the day after Parliament is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people’s best interests!” “You crafty bastard,” replied the fairy.

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LARRY ... CUTE

LARRY MAY BECOME MY NEW FAVOURITE!!!!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’ After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Larry?’ ‘No, ma’am, but I didn’t like to see you standing there all by yourself!’

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Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. ‘Why do you do that, mum?’ he asked.

‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

‘What’s the matter, asked Larry ‘are you giving up?’

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Larry’s class were on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”

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Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Larry asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’

His father replied, ‘Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the milkman wants to buy Mom... ‘

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If this brightened your day, don’t let it stop here. Pass it on with a smile. Keep spreading the cheer! Pass on to your friends.

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