Chapter 270

What’s the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: “Hey you, get offa my cloud.”
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: “Hey McLeod, get offa ma ewe.”
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Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.

The nurse says, “Oh he’s out in Rehab exercising”.

Paddy couldn’t believe it, but there’s Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.

The very next day he’s back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.

The nurse replies, “He’s out in the Rehab again exercising”.

And sure enough, there’s Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is.

The nurse breaks down and cries and says, “He’s dead.”

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. “I suppose the saw finally did him in.”

“No”, says the nurse, “Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated”.

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My friend’s wife left him last week, she said she was going out to get some milk and never came back
I asked him how he was coping
He said “not bad, I’m using that powdered stuff”
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I hate it when I go to check my Facebook and I’m rudely interrupted by joggers bouncing off my windscreen!

Default

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We’ve just come back from a holiday in Spain; my wife didn’t enjoy it because everyone spoke English and the food was like we eat at home.

Next holiday I want to go somewhere where they eat weird stuff and you can’t understand a word they say!

So I’ve just booked a fortnight in Scotland.

What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet and social media?

I asked my 26 siblings and they didn’t know either

My teacher told me I’d be no good at poetry due to my dyslexia, but so far I’ve made three jugs and a vase’ so fuck you Mr Smiff

I’m fed up with people knocking the door asking for donations; just had a woman from the sperm bank.

Boy did I give her a mouthful!

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A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can kill me also. But please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”

Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

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