Chapter 259

Dear God: It’s me, the Dog

Dear God: Is it on purpose that our
Names are spelled the same, only in reverse?

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers,
But seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to Heaven, can we sit
On your couch? Or will it be the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after
The jaguar, the cougar, the mustang,
The colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE
Named for a Dog? How often do you
See a cougar riding around? We love a nice car
Ride! Would it be so hard to rename
The ‘Chrysler Eagle’ the ‘Chrysler Beagle’?

Dear God: If a Dog barks his head off
In the forest and no human hears him,
Is he still a bad Dog?

Dear God: We Dogs can understand human
Verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles,
Horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs,
Electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee
Flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs,
Less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven?
If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Here is a list of
just some of the things I must remember
to be a good Dog:

1. I will not eat the cat’s food before he eats
it or after he throws it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish,
crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. The sofa is not a ‘face towel’.

4. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

5. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s
underwear when he’s on the toilet.

6. Sticking my nose into someone’s
crotch is an unacceptable way of saying ‘hello’.

7. I don’t need to suddenly stand
straight up when I’m under the coffee table.

8. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before
entering the house - not after.

9. I will not come in from outside,
and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

10. I will not sit in the middle of the living
room, and lick my crotch

11. The cat is not a ‘squeaky toy’,
so when I play with him and he makes that noise,
it’s usually not a good thing.

P.S. Dear God:
When I get to Heaven,
may I have my testicles back?

Some Random Thoughts...

Someone Just Honked to get me out of my parking spot faster so now I have to sit here until both of us are dead.

So I was at the bar last night and the Waitress Screamed...

“Anyone know CPR?”

I said, “Hell I know the entire alphabet.”

Everyone laughed...

Well everyone except this one guy!

Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up too!

Unless you are in prison!

From a friend of J & G.

Three pilots “flew west” on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. ‘In honor of the season’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’

The Army helicopter pilot thumbed through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It’s a candle’, he said. ‘It did make light and you may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said.

The Air Force pilot reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘They’re bells.’

Saint Peter said, ‘they do have a ring to them, you may pass through the pearly gates’.

The Navy jock started searching desperately through his flight suit pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties...

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And just what do those symbolize?’

He replied, ‘These are Carols.’

And So The Christmas Season Begins...