Chapter 252

A young lad from Sydney, Nova Scotia goes off to University, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. ‘Dad,’ he says, ‘you won’t believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Antigonish that could teach our dog “Jiggy” how to talk.’ ‘That’s amazing!’ his Dad says ‘How do I get Jiggy in that program?’ ‘Just send him in here with $1200,’ the young lad says, ‘I’ll get him in the course.’ So his father sends the dog “Jiggy”and $1200.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The young lad calls home.

‘So how’s Jiggy doing, son?’ his father wants to know.

‘Awesome! Dad, he’s talking up a storm. But you just won’t believe this. They’ve had such good results with talking, they’ve begun to teach the animals how to read... ‘ ‘Read?!’ exclaims his father. ‘No kidding! How do we get our Jiggy in that program?’ ‘Just send $2300. I’ll get him in the class for sure.’

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

‘Where’s my Jiggy? I just can’t wait to talk with him, and see him read something!’

‘Dad,’ the young lad says, ‘I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Jiggy was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Cape Breton Post. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead working in the bakery at the grocery store?’’ The father groans and whispers, ‘I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!’

‘I sure did, Dad!’

‘That’s my boy!’

The son goes on to become a successful lawyer and then a Member of Parliament...

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Say thanks to Wyden ‎for this one!

Where’s the cheese?

Man brings mousetrap invention to patent office. It has a ramp leading up to a block of wood with a piece of cheese in the center of the block. There is a gap between the ramp and the block. It has a naked razor blade mounted upright.

“The mouse smells the cheese and runs up the ramp to get it, but has to lean out over the blade to reach the cheese. The blade cuts his throat”, the proud inventor claims.

“See here, now”, says the patent examiner. “You can’t do that. The exposed blade is too dangerous and the cheese could get moldy and cause a health hazard. Come back when you have these faults corrected.” He assumed he would never see the man again.

The next day the man was back.

“So soon?”, asked the examiner.

“Yes. I have corrected those faults and have designed the perfect mousetrap. See? The cheese has been removed and the razor has been replaced with a hacksaw blade.”

“Ok, but how does it work?”

“The mouse runs up the ramp, sticks his neck out to get the cheese. When he doesn’t see it where it should be, he swings his head back and forth looking for the cheese and cuts his head off on the saw blade.”

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Thanks to dorsetmike for this.‎

What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?

Nothing - he’s Gladiator!

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