Chapter 251

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.

She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn’t know what to call her so we named her ‘Pussycat.’

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, ‘OK, but don’t forget to wash her, she stinks.’

He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don’t see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband ‘El-Cheap-O’, and my husband calls the vet ‘El-Charge-O’.

They love to hate each other and constantly ‘snipe’ at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

My husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet the next day. The GP’s waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.

A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, “Your wife’s pussy doesn’t stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose! Oh, and, by the way, she’s pregnant! God only knows who the father is!”

Then he closed the door. The silence was deafening.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

You can thank squaddie117 ‎for the following

Funny motor insurance claims

“I was driving along the motorway when the police pulled me over onto the hard shoulder. Unfortunately I was in the middle lane and there was another car in the way...”

“Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early...”

“I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof.” (from an Australian claim form)

“The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind.”

“I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.”

“I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.”

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were -
Q: What warning was given by you?
A: Horn.
Q: What warning was given by the other party?
A: Moo.

“I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.”

“On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.”

“I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.”

“I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight”

“I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.”

“First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car.”

“Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.”

“The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again”

“I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.”

“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.”

“I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way”

“A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face”

“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car”

“In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”

“I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.”