Chapter 242

Many thanks to Allan for the following:

My wife and I were both members of PETA, only different organizations. Mine was People Eating Tasty Animals. Anyway, early in our marriage, her doctor told her he wanted to run a test on her that involved the death of a small animal. When she didn’t think much of the idea, he asked her what she would use. She thought for a minute and responded with politicians, lawyers and convicted felons.

After the doctor stopped laughing, he asked her why she saved the convicted felons for last. “In that order” asked the doctor?

Her response was classic and the poor doctor never recovered.

She said, “Yes, absolutely. I saved the felons for last because there is an outside chance they can be rehabilitated.”

Guns don’t kill people – husbands who come home early, do.

Good friends are like fine wine. That’s why I keep mine locked in the cellar.

Whenever I want to be left alone, I go to the mall and hold a clipboard.

Old MacDonald was dyslectic, O-I-O-I-E

If Veggie Tales did the story of Judas, it would be called ‘Judas is a carrot”.

(Or was that Judas Asparagus?)

Why can’t Dalmatians hide?

Because they’re always spotted.

The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest.

If someone doesn’t like cats, it just means that he’s never had them cooked the right way.

If you give your wife flowers for no apparent reason, it makes her suspicious.

If you had a stadium full of midgets, and they stood up to do the wave, it would be a ripple...

The way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a bit further south...

Dinosaurs didn’t read. Now they are extinct. Thank goodness the thesaurus survived.

A woman goes to her gynecologist with what she believes is a mysterious problem.

“What seems to be the problem?” asked the doctor.

“Something is terribly wrong; I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina.”

The doctor had a look, then chuckled before she said,

“Those aren’t postage stamps, my dear; they’re stickers from the bananas.”