Chapter 234

This collection is compliments of squaddie117‎

Eldest of three daughters goes to her mother on the eve of her wedding and says “Mom, I’ve got a small problem. I’m marrying Joe tomorrow and he thinks I’m a virgin, but I’m not.”

“Hmm! How many men have you slept with?” asked her mother.

“Only one.” Said the daughter.

“O.K. Here’s an elastic band, just before he gets you into bed, go to the toilet and stick this up your you know where and when it twangs and he asks you what that was, you say it’s alright darling that’s just my virginity going.”

So the wedding goes ahead and on the wedding bed ‘twang’ “What was that”, the new husband asked.

“That was just my virginity, darling.”

And the new husband was happy.

Some time later the second daughter was due to be married, went to her mother and said “Mom, I’m getting married to Frank tomorrow but I’m not the virgin he thinks I am.”

“How many men have you been with” asked the mother.

“Only three” said the daughter.

“Alright, here’s three elastic bands, just before you get into bed on the wedding night go to the toilet and stick these up, when they go ‘twang’ you tell him it’s just your virginity going”

And again all went well.

Then the third daughter came to her mother and said “Mom, you know...”

The mother interrupted “I know, you’re getting married to Bill, he thinks you’re a virgin and you’re not”.

“Bbbut how do you know that.” Stammered the daughter.

“I just know,” said the mother, “how many men have you slept with?

“Oh!god, I lost count”, said the daughter.

“Here stick the whole box of elastic bands up and when they go ‘twang’ and he asks what that was, you just say it’s your virginity going”.

So on the wedding night she goes into the bathroom and stuffs the lot up then climbs into bed.

Soon things get to the critical point when ‘TWANG’.

“What the hell was that?” Shouted the new husband.

“Don’t worry, darling, that was just my virginity going.”

“Well for Christ sake go and catch it” he screamed, “it’s taken my balls with it “.

✧ ✧ ✧

Young boy was kneeling by his bed saying his prayers with his father listening, “God bless mummy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, goodbye grandpa.”

Strange, he thinks, but forgets about it.

The next day he gets a phone call from his distraught mother saying that his father passed away during the night.

Some months later, again the little boy is saying his prayers “God bless mummy, God bless daddy and goodbye grandma,”

The next day he hears that his mother has passed away.

Then he hears his son say “ God bless mummy and goodbye daddy.”

He’s in a panic, all day at work he make sure nobody comes near him, he drives so carefully other drivers are abusing him, he’s literally shitting himself, gets home only to find his wife in a funk.

“You would never believe what happened today, the postman dropped dead on the front porch.”

✧ ✧ ✧

An old man married a young, vivacious, sexy woman.

All seemed to be going well for them till one day the old boy dropped dead.

At the funeral the young widow was inconsolable.

The vicar took her aside and asked why she was taking it so hard as most of the neighbors thought she was only after his money.

“Oh! Father, we had such a beautiful time, he would make slow passionate love to me timing it to the sound of the church bells, then that dammed fire truck had to drive past.”