Chapter 22

Vetted...

A few more nicked from various forums, I’ll go through another page when you’ve used what you want from these!

Nelson Mandela heard a knock at the door. A man with a clip board and a big lorry said “I’ve got 1000 car batteries for you” Better put them in the back garden” said Mr Mandela.

The next day the same man came in the same lorry and said “I’ve got 600 car tyres for you” “Better put them in with the batteries then” said Mr Mandela.

The next day the same man arrived with the same lorry and said “I’ve got 12 new cars for you” “Are you sure they are for me” said Mr Mandela. The lorry driver consulted his clipboard and said “Yep - says Nelson Mandela right here”

“Here show me” said Mandela. He looked at the clipboard and a big smile came over his face “You’ve come to the wrong place - that says Nissan Maindealer”

An 80-year-old man tells his wife, “I’m going to the doctor to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”

His wife gets her coat on and says, “I’m going to the doctor, too. If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m getting a tetanus shot.”

A young man is ‘entertaining’ an older lady. She says “Your organ isn’t very big”. he replies “Well I didn’t expect to be playing in a concert hall!”

A fairy godmother decides to grant three wishes to a little old lady.

“What would you like for your first wish?” the fairy godmother asks.

The little old lady says, “I would like to be rich.”

POOF! Her rocking chair turns into solid gold.

“And for your second wish?” asks her fairy godmother.

The little old lady says, “I would like to be young again.”

POOF! The little old lady is now a beautiful young woman.

“And for your third and final wish?” asks her fairy godmother.

The young woman’s cat, Burt, jumps into her lap.

She asks the fairy godmother, “Can you turn Burt into a handsome young prince?”

POOF! Suddenly, Burt is a handsome young prince.

The handsome young prince leans down to the young woman and whispers softly in her ear, “Don’t you wish you hadn’t had me neutered?”

A man buys a budgie. It keeps repeating “I’m a Glasgow Budgie and I’m as hard as nails”

After a week the man gets so fed up he buys a kestrel.

He put’s it in the cage beside the budgie and says

“Let’s see how hard you are now”

Next morning the kestrel is dead, budgie says

I’m a Glasgow Budgie and I’m as hard as nails

So the man buys a buzzard and puts it in the cage.

Next morning the buzzard is dead and the budgie says

I’m a Glasgow Budgie and I’m as hard as nails

“Right, then” says the man, goes and buys a golden eagle and puts it in the cage.

Next morning the the eagle’s dead and the budgie has no feathers left...

Budgie says “I had to remove my jacket for that one but, I’m a Glasgow Budgie and I’m as hard as nails!”

A man walked into a pub with a full grown alligator. Everyone stared.

The man said when he had everyones attention - “I will put my organ into the alligators jaws if someone will buy me a drink.

Very quickly a free bottle of drink with the top off was thrust into his hand and his bluff was called.

Calmly the man unzipped and did as he promised - the alligator snapped its jaws shut with an earth shattering slam.

When he had finished his drink the man looked around the room and rapped the alligator smartly over the head with the empty bottle whereby the alligator promptly opened it’s jaws leaving the man intact.

“If anyone else will try that I will pay them £1000 cash the man said”

No-one moved and there were mutters all round the room.

Suddenly a blonde came forward shaking her long hair “I’ll try do it she said ----------- but there’s one condition ------------ you have to promise not to hit me over the head with the bottle.”

A man standing at a urinal notices that he’s being watched by a midget.

“Wow,” comments the midget. “Those are the nicest gonads I have ever seen!”

Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and continues to pee.

Suddenly, the midget pulls up a step ladder right next to the urinal and says, “Listen, I know this is a rather strange request, but as they’re so admirable, I wonder if I could take a closer look.”

Again the man is rather startled, but sees no real harm in it. Just then, the midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man’s gonads and says, “OK, hand me your wallet, or I’ll jump off the ladder!”