Chapter 216

Got a match?

A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a match for her sock. The blonde replied, “What for? Are you going to set it on fire?”

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TEE SHIRTS MOTTOS

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me then plug me back in. See if that works.

You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn’t? Yeah, I don’t have one of those.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

You know you’re getting old when you can’t walk past a bathroom without thinking “I might as well pee while I’m here.”

Elect a clown - expect a circus.

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Johnny said: “I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.”

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Birthday

My wife isn’t speaking to me right now because apparently I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did it.

Hell, I didn’t even know it was her birthday!

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When asked if they want a boy or a girl...

New prospective parents always say we don’t care as long as it’s healthy.

Just once, I would like to see a new mother in the delivery room ask the doctor what is it, and have him answer:

“I have no fucking idea, ‘But, it’s healthy’

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In the beginning...

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”

God said,

“I think I’m going to call it a day.”

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In the early days...

I always wondered what my parents did to fight boredom before the Internet.
I asked my 19 brothers and sisters and they don’t know either.

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why do ... christopher robin, eeyore, tigger, and piglet all smell horrible?

because they like to play with pooh...

(told to me by my 8yr old niece. i laughed so hard i was crying... )

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John had a bull that just ate grass and never even looked at a cow. So he got his foreman to take the bull to the vet. The vet gave him some pills and sent him home. By the end of the week the bull had serviced all 55 cows in the pasture, broke a fence and did the same to 123 cows of his neighbors. John asked the foreman, “What kind of pills were those?” Forman says, “Not sure, but they taste like peppermint.”

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