Chapter 207

Compliments of joevsr‎

When a Military Man dies, we shoot all night.
When a Drunkard dies, we drink all night,
When a Christian dies, we pray all night,
When a Musician dies, we sing all night.
I would love to attend a Prostitutes funeral!!!

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Say Thanks to Connaught these two!‎

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Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who was that?”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.” Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Moishe?” asks the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replies.

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A JEWISH DIVORCE

A Jewish daughter says to her mother “I’m divorcing Nathan.” “All he wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece.”

Her mother says, “You’re married to a multi-millionaire businessman. You live in an 8 bedroom mansion. You drive a $250,000 Ferrari. You get $2,000 a week allowance. You take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?

NOW THAT’S A JEWISH MOTHER!

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From dorsetmike‎
She says “Why don’t you say you love me anymore?”
He replies “I said it once, I’ll let you know if the situation changes.”

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This one is from fmwarmac‎
So I asked my wife, “Why do you keep buying plants when you just kill them?”
She said, “To remind you what I’m capable of.”

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Last week I bought a brand new boomerang, even though I can’t seem to get rid of the old one.

People who put some money away each week just aren’t shopping hard enough.

I bought some fridge magnets. So far, I have 10 fridges.

A jellyfish walks into a hardware store and buys ten drills.

Supermarket: a place where you can spend a half-hour looking for instant coffee.

How can you spot people who can’t count to twenty? They’re in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

I bought some Haagen-Dazs ice cream, and as the cashier rang it up, I asked: “How do you pronounce that.” She said slowly: “Five dollars and 29 cents.”

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left my last girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop counting. I wonder what she’s up to now.
Drugs don’t kill people – people who run out of drugs kill people.
I tried to join the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting – but all the seats were taken.
I wonder what ‘DON’T TOUCH’ is in Braille.
I asked the doctor to give me something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.
My pencil isn’t prone to making Freudian Slips, but my penis.
What Iran needs now is a more modern, moderate leader – a Mullah Lite.
Is it normal ... For one of my testicles to be bigger than the other two?
I just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave cookies in the oven while I nap.
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Bikini waxing ... what a rip off!

Friend: “Hey Griz, what do you first notice in a woman?” Me: “It depends on which way she’s facing.”

The first time I saw my wife, I thought she was drop-dead gorgeous. In fact, I said: “You’re gorgeous”, and she replied: “Drop dead!”

Why does beer go through your system so fast? It doesn’t have to stop to change color.

I drank so much beer last night, when I ate peanuts you could hear them splash.

Beer: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

My friends accused me of being a tight wad, so I bought them a beer. Then they complained because they wanted one each.

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