Chapter 204

What’s the worst thing that can happen to a man?
Running into a wall while erect and breaking your nose.
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What employee evaluations really mean:

Character above reproach ... One step ahead of the law.
Exceptionally good judgement ... Lucky.
Great presentation skills ... Bullshitter.
Independent worker ... Nobody knows what he/she does.
Experienced problem solver ... Screws up often.
Relaxed attitude ... Sleeps at desk.
Career minded ... Back Stabber.
Quick thinking ... Offers plausible excuses for mistakes.
Zealous attitude ... Opinionated.
Meticulous attention to detail ... Nit picker.
Shows leadership qualities ... Big mouth.

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My answering machine message

My wife and I are busy right now.
I like going up-and-down.
My wife likes going side to side.
Leave a message and we’ll call you back when we get done brushing ourr teeth.

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Hillbilly Father takes his 16-year-old daughter to a doctor.
Doctor says. “What seems to be the problem?”
“Give this girl some of them birth control pills,” says the hillbilly dad.
“She’s only 16, is she sexually active?” asks the doc.
“Nah, she just lays there like her mama.”

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What goes in dry, comes out wet and satisfies two people? A tea bag.
If Ireland fell into the sea, which county wouldn’t sink? Cork.
What’s the difference between a businessman and a dog?
A businessman wears a suit, a dog just pants,
What do you do with a wombat? Play Wom.
How do whales listen to music? On an iPod.
If a quiz is quizzical, what’s a test?
Why was everyone so poor in Biblical times? There was only one Job.
What is a Yankee? Same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
How about what goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and sticky?
Bubble gum.

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Dress code

Mom says to her teenager: “there’s no way you’re going out in that skirt!”
“But Mom, I’ve got great legs, why should I hide them?”
“Because it’s so short, your nuts are showing underneath!”
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I’m not the athletic type.
I once sprained my wrist while reading Sports Illustrated.
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I asked a personal trainer what I could for my body. He said: “Schedule it for demolition.”