Chapter 203

From a friend of J & G.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant “Steve’s Place” and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired “Why the spoon?”

“Well” he explained “the restaurant’s owner hired a consulting company to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

“If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly “After you get it out, how do you put it back?”

“Well” he whispered “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said “Can you please help me, I don’t know what hole I’m on.”

She told him “You are one hole behind me. I’m on 7, you’re on 6.” He thanked her and continued playing golf.

On the back nine he got lost again.

He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. “I’m sorry to bother you again but I’m lost again, can you please tell me what hole I’m on.”

She told him “You are one hole behind me. I’m on 14. You are on 13.”

Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted.

As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. “I’m in sales.” He replied “no kidding so am I. What do you sell?”

She said it’s too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she’d tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said “I sell tampons.”

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said “You promised you wouldn’t laugh.” He replied “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help it. I sell toilet paper. I’m still one hole behind you.”

President Trump was visiting a school and went to observe one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word “tragedy.”

So, the Leader of The Free World asked the class for an example of a “tragedy.”

One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a “tragedy.”

“No” corrected Trump. “That would be an accident.”

A little girl raised her hand: “If the floods in New Orleans entered the geriatric ward of a hospital, killing elderly & infirm people trapped inside, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not” sighed the President “that’s what we would call a great loss.”

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Trump searched the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: “If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs Trump was struck by a “friendly fire” missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic!” exclaimed Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?”

“Well” says the boy “it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be a fucking accident either...”