Chapter 202

From a friend of J & G.

The Speed of Light is 3*10^8 metres per second. What then is the Speed of Darkness? 9.58 seconds over 100 metres.

One summer, the company Dave worked for transferred him to another city, and Dave was told that he had to take a new physical with the company doctor. All the tests came out fine, but the doctor remarked that Dave had the smallest dick he’d ever seen.

“Do you have any difficulties with it being so small?” the doc asked.

“Shit, no” Dave said. “I’ve got a wife, three kids, and a great sex life. But I do sometimes have a problem finding it in the daytime.”

“What about at night?” the doc asked.

“Nights are no problem,” Dave said “‘cause there’s two of us looking for it then.”

The wondrously stacked blonde appeared at her door in a strapless evening gown that defied gravity.

“Terrific!” said her admiring escort. “I don’t see what holds that dress up!”

“Play your cards right, dear, and you will” she murmured.

There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence.

This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.

He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn’t he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence?

He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn’t realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: “CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN”

From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving is hands.

“Who is it?” a passenger asks the captain.

“I have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad like that.”

BOY: [calls 911] “Hello? I need your help!”

911: “All right, what is it?”

BOY: “Two girls are fighting over me!”

911: “So what’s your emergency?”

BOY: “The ugly one is winning”.

My friend hates to exercise, which means the treadmill in her bedroom barely gets used. Nevertheless, she swears by it.

“It really works,” she told me. “I throw my jeans over it and they get smaller.”

Q. Do you know why no woman will ever be truly satisfied?
A. Because no man will ever have a Chocolate Penis that ejaculates Money!

I was playing Scrabble and put down S-P-A-S-T-I-C. Got a cripple word score for that.

I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colours yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what colour it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued.

At last, she headed for the door, saying “Grandpa, I really think you should try to figure out some of these colours yourself!”

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer.