Chapter 201

Q: Are you aware of why Barnaby Joyce is like IKEA?

A: One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart!

This blonde was selling her pet python on eBay. A bloke rang up and asked if it was big. She said “It’s massive”. He said “How many feet?” She said “None. It’s a fucking snake, mate!”

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morley high school.

“Yes. Yes, I did. Go the blue, white and red!” he gleamed with pride.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

“In 1975” He answered “Why do you ask?”

“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, fat-arsed, grey-haired, decrepit son-of-a-birch asked “Oh Really? What did you teach?”

This group is compliments of a Friend of J & G.

A man dies ‘in the act’ after taking Viagra and rigor mortis has set into his private parts.

The funeral director can’t get the coffin lid nailed on and has to discuss the alternatives with the man’s beautiful young widow. “I’m afraid that the only way to get the lid on is either to pay another $3,000 for an extra-large coffin or to amputate his member”.

“Well I have no more money” states the widow “and it is against my religion for me to bury my husband in more than one piece”.

The funeral director thinks about this and then comes up with a brainwave: He’ll amputate his dick and then stick it up the deceased’s backside, in which case a more expensive coffin is unnecessary and the husband will still be, in a manner of speaking, in the one piece.

The widow reluctantly agrees.

On the day of the funeral, the deceased is displayed in an open casket. As the mourners file by, one mourner places flowers on the coffin and a drop of water from the flowers falls onto the deceased’s face, looking for all the world like a teardrop.

The next mourner to file by is the widow. She looks down at her lifeless husband, notices the teardrop and says to him quietly “See, I told you it hurts!”

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit’s end as to what to do about their sons’ behaviour.

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly “Where is God?”