Chapter 197

The following are compliments of a Friend of J & G.

An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud.

“White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper” says the Indian. “How much is it?”

“$1.00 a roll” the clerk replies.

“That seems pretty expensive” responds the Indian. “What about the others?”

“Charmin is $2.00 a roll and no name is 50 cents a roll.”

The Indian doesn’t have much money so he opts for the no name.

Within a few hours he is back at the trading post. “I have a name for the no name toilet paper” he announces to the clerk. “We shall call it John Wayne.”

“Why?” asks the confused clerk.

“Cause it’s rough and it’s tough and it don’t take no crap off an Indian.”

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter “I have a question that’s haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?”

St. Peter said “That’s a question only God can answer.”

So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked “God, please - I must know ... am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?”

God simply replied “You are what you are.”

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him “Well, did God straighten out your query for you?”

The zebra looked puzzled. “No sir, God simply said ‘You are what you are’.”

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra “Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes.”

The zebra asked St. Peter “How do you know that for certain?”

“Because” said St. Peter “If you were black with white stripes, God would have said “You is what you is...”

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his vacations at this country inn. The previous year he’d finally managed to close the deal with the innkeeper’s daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, and then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

“Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried. “I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!”

Well” she said “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’ and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.”

The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for “Show and Tell” and the next day every kid had something.

The teacher asks Wendy “What did you bring?”

“I brought a Walkman.”

“And what is it for?”

“You can listen to music with it!”

“That’s nice Wendy.”

“What did you bring Kenny?”

“I brought a ‘lectrical can opener, it opens cans!”

“Well done, Kenny.”

“Umm, Johnny, I see you didn’t bring anything!”

“Yes, I did. It’s in the hall.”

So the entire class goes into the hallway. “Umm, Johnny, what is that?”

“It’s a heart/lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going.”

“Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?”

“He said, ‘AAAARRRGGGH!!!!’”