Chapter 196

Please think of dorsetmike when you read the following: ‎

A mother whilst cleaning 12 year old son’s room comes across a lot of serious bondage kit. So she asks her husband “what should we do?” Husband says “ one thing for sure we don’t fucking spank him!

I went to the sperm donor clinic Nurse said “do you want to masturbate in the cup” I said “I know I’m pretty good, but I’m not ready for competition yet”

I phoned the local radio station today “Congratulations, you’re our first caller today, if you can answer a simple question you get to win our grand prize of the day; it’s a math question, feeling confident?” I said “I’ve a maths degree and teach at a local school”

“OK then to win 2 VIP tickets to see Justin Bieber and meet him back stage - what is 2+2?

“7” I replied

Say Thanks to Allan for thinking of all of us needing a giggle.

A blonde buys a chainsaw to cut down some trees in her backyard and gets the one that says “Guaranteed to cut down 100 trees a day” on the box. “Great” she thinks “I only want to cut down 5 trees, but I bet this one will get the job done in no time at all!”

Three days later returns to the shop dirty and sweaty and says: “I am sorry, but this is very misleading advertising! It says I can cut down 100 trees in a week and it took me 3 days to cut down just one! Something is clearly not right!” The shop attendant says: “Alright, let’s see if we can figure out what the problem is”, yanks the cord and starts the motor.

The blonde says: “What is that sound?”

Michael is sitting in a chair at his barbershop. Worried about his receding hairline, he confides in his barber about what he could possibly do to fix the problem. Hearing his case, the patron in the chair beside Michael leans over and whispers to him “I couldn’t help but overhear your problem. I’ve found that pussy juice always works for me.” “But you’re balder than I am!” replies Michael, to which the man responds “Yea, but you’ve got to admit, I’ve got one hell of a mustache!”

Three engineers were sitting in a coffee shop discussing theology.

“God has to be a mechanical engineer,” the first said. “Look at the power and efficiency of the muscular system. It provides power for the whole body, repairs itself, lasts for years, and is far and away more advanced than anything we’ve ever built.”

“Not so,” the second said. “God must be an electrical engineer -- Look at the subtle beauty of the nervous system. The entire system is delicate yet robust, provides us our thoughts and drives, and is leaps and bounds beyond anything we’ve ever built.”

“You guys are on the wrong track,” the third said. “God is most certainly a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a major recreational area?”

What’s the definition of relative humidity?

The sweat that accumulates on your balls as you’re fucking your sister.

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.” “Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!” she screamed. “Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”