Chapter 194

They say that excessive masturbation will cause you to become forgetful. Not only that, but they say that excessive masturbation will make you forgetful.

I am writing for a good friend of mine. His wife told him to go out and obtain some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back, he handed her diet pills. Anyway, he’s looking for a place to live.

A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked “What’s the problem? Wouldn’t your cat eat them?” The blonde’s eyes got very large, and she whispered “Do you mean to tell me that ‘Pussy Treats’ are for cats?”

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. “Darling, whatever is the matter?” he asks. “Sweetheart” she sobs “the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone” she sobbed again “I found that the cat had eaten it!” “Don’t worry, darling” said her husband. “Don’t cry. We’ll get a new cat in the morning...”

“My girl, Ginger, is going to die of syphilis” mumbles an angry biker to one of his buddies. “No” says the friend “people don’t die of syphilis anymore”. The angry biker replies “They do when they give it to me!”

It was the first day of school. As the principal made his rounds, he heard a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He rushed in and spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed to be making the most noise. He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait there until he was excused. Returning to the classroom, the principal restored order and lectured the class for half an hour about the importance of good behaviour. “Now” he said “are there any questions?” One girl stood up timidly. “Please sir” she asked “May we have our teacher back?”

A young teacher substituted for a friend who was taking a week’s honeymoon. A month later at a party someone started to introduce the groom to her. “Oh” he answered brightly “I know Miss Davis very well indeed. She substituted for my wife on our honeymoon!”

One woman says to another “I can’t understand why you haven’t gone to see that new gynaecologist yet!” “My gynaecologist is fine. I don’t need to change”. “But the new one’s so young and handsome, while your gynaecologist is so old!” The other woman replies with a smile “Yeah, I know” she said with a smile “His hands shake all the time”.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less.

I’ve noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters. For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement: “Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack, off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse”. Is everybody clear on that?

Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed in the morning? Because they don’t have balls to scratch.

Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears. He says “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?” She says “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night”. The priest says “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?” She says “That he did, Father”. The priest says “What did he ask, Mary?” She says “He said ‘Please Mary, put down the gun’”.

They found a cat on mars. A live cat was found roaming the surface of Mars. Scientists planned to have the Mars Rover capture the animal to study it but unfortunately while attempting to capture the feline, Curiosity killed the cat.

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?”

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?”

Again, the clerk doesn’t answer him.

The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?”

And the clerk just seems to ignore him.

Finally, the guy storms off in anger.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk “Why wouldn’t you answer that guy’s question?” The clerk answers “D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!”