Chapter 191

The following are compliments of J & B

As we age...

A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a colorful circus banner: DON’T MISS THE AMAZING GOLDSTEIN! Curious, he buys a ticket and sits through the usual circus acts. Animals, clowns, contortionists and other performances - but where’s the Amazing Goldstein?

Finally the trumpets blare and all eyes are turned to the center ring. There in the spotlight is a table with three walnuts on it. In comes a little old Jewish man 5 foot tall and barely able to walk up to the table. He unzips his pants and whips out the longest shlong and proceeds to smash all three walnuts with three swings!

The crowd erupts in thunderous applause and the Amazing Goldstein is carried off by the clowns.

Twenty years later the salesman visits a nearby town and lo and behold — he sees a faded banner for the same circus and the same “DON’T MISS THE AMAZING GOLDSTEIN!” message. The salesman can’t believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his incredible act! Of course, he buys a ticket and sits impatiently through all the acts until again the center ring is illuminated. This time there are three COCONUTS on the table.

Out comes Goldstein. The little old man takes forever to creep to the table but this time he smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing God-given weapon.

The stunned salesman requests a meeting with Goldstein after the show. In his dressing room he tells the old man he’s never seen anything like his act. But he wants to know why he is now smashing coconuts instead of the much easier walnuts.

The Amazing Goldstein replies, “Oy, my eyes aren’t what they used to be!”

Pope plays Golf The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

“Your Holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”

The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand.

“Have we not,” he asked, “a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?”

“None that plays golf very well,” a cardinal said... “But, he added, “there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match.” Everyone agreed it was an excellent idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.

“I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness,” said the Nicklaus.

“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope.

“Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”

“What’s the bad news.?? the Pope asked.

Cardinal Nicklaus sighed. “I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by two strokes.”