Chapter 190

My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, “I’d better warn you, she’s expecting a baby.”

I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you’re interested, let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get it for you.

Just watched a film about cheese; It was G-rated.

I was at a tavern last night and saw a woman wearing the tightest pair of jeans I’d ever seen. After a few beers, my curiosity got to me so I asked her.

“How the Hell do you get into those jeans?” She looked at me and smiled. “You could start by buying me a drink.”

I was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to me starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won’t take it so she says, “Come on, eat it all up or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”

Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, “Eat it all up or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”

This goes on for another ten minutes when I finally said “Listen, lady, can you make your fucking mind up, I should’ve got off four stops ago!”

Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.

Old judges never die, they just cease to try.

Old investors never die, they just roll over.

Old gardeners never die, they just go to pot.

Old florists never die, they make alternative arrangements.

Old college deans never die, they just lose their faculties.

Old chemists never die, they just don’t react any more.

Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.

Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

Old bakers never die, they just stop making dough.

Old anthropologists never die, they just become history.

Old golfers never die ... They just lose their balls.

Q: What’s the difference between a knife and arguing with a woman?

A: A knife has a point.

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door. He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies standing there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married.

The man replies, “Yes, I am.”

The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife.

The guy says, “Sure, I guess,” and gets a photo to show them.

The deputy examines the photo, turns and has a whispered conversation with his partner, then turns back to the man. “I’m very sorry, sir,” he says, “but it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.”