Chapter 19

Say thanks to dorsetmike‎ for this group

Wee boy goes to his dad and asks how he got his name; the dad reply’s that it as an anagram of his mother’s favourite thing.

The wee boy says “Thank you dad” and his dad says “No worries Alan, glad to help”

I’ve been back to the doc again. I’ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

He says I have Feefiphobia.

“Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.”

Terrible joke. Only three stars.

Scene: costume party

A: what are you dressed as?
B: can’t you tell, I’m a harp!
A: your costume is too small to be a harp...
B: calling me a lyre?!

Bloke goes to a costume party, stark naked, painted green with his girlfriend on his back. Someone asks ‘what are you supposed to be?’, he replies ‘I’m a tortoise’. ‘What about her?’, he replies... ‘that’s Michelle’

I told my doctor that when I travel from country to country I have the urge to get drunk. She told me I’m a borderline alcoholic.

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.

A checkout chick walked up to him and said, “Your barracks door is open.”

Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was just about done shopping, a man came up and said, “Your fly is open.”

He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the girl was that told him about his “barracks door.”

He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, “When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?”

The girl thought for a moment and said:

“No, no I didn’t ... but I saw a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffle bags.”...

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, “How will I know if they are pregnant?”

The other farmer replied, “If they’re lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they’re pregnant. If they’re in the mud, they’re not.” The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, “Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.”

“Neither,” yelled his wife, “they’re all in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.”