Chapter 189

Thanks to Unclepodger

What’s the difference between a cheetah and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws, the other has a pause at the end of its clause.

What’s the difference between beer-nuts and deer-nuts?

Beer nuts are a $1.49, Deer nuts are under a buck.

One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation: “My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons ... a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour. “Now, we’ll take the collection and see which one I’ll deliver.”

A local pastor and his son were fishing alongside of an old gravel road, when an unfamiliar car drove past. The preacher yelled “Turn yourself around before it’s too late” and held up a sign saying “The End is Near!”

The driver didn’t appreciate the sign and shouted: “Leave us alone, you religious nut!”.

All of a sudden they heard a big splash, and the boy said to the pastor: “You think maybe we should write ‘Bridge Out!’ on that sign?’”.

A stingy old millionaire is on his death bed and calls his attorney, priest, and doctor to his side. He gives each of them a third of his millions of dollars, making them promise to put the money into his casket at his funeral to keep his greedy relatives from getting any of it.

On the day of the funeral, a few weeks later, the three men go up one at a time, and each deposits the money in the casket at the end of the ceremony right before the casket is buried.

The doctor and priest are both crying miserably. “We could have advanced so many medical techniques! Maybe even cured cancer!” wailed the doctor. “There are so many starving children in Africa that could have been fed by that money!” moaned the priest.

The lawyer walks up whistling cheerfully, and asks them why they’re so upset. “How can you not be? There’s no way you make THAT much money! To see it all go to waste like that is just unbearable.”

“You guys are idiots,” the lawyer replies. “I wrote him a check.”