Chapter 185

These are compliments of fmwarmac

A police officer came across a terrible road accident where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he gazed at the wreckage, a little monkey emerged from the trees and started hopping around the crashed car. “Gee,” said the officer scratching his head and looking down at the monkey, “I wish you could talk.”
The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head.
“You mean you can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.
Again the monkey nodded furiously.
“Well, did you see this accident?” asked the officer.
The monkey motioned in the affirmative.
“What happened?” said the officer.
The monkey mimed a drinking action.
“They were drinking?”
The monkey nodded his head.
“What else?” continued the officer.
The monkey pinched his fingers together, held them to his mouth and rolled his eyes.
“They were smoking marijuana?”
The monkey nodded.
“Anything else?” asked the officer.
The monkey mimed a kiss.
“They were kissing too?”
The monkey nodded his head.
“So,” said the officer, “you’re saying they were drinking, smoking and kissing before they crashed the car?”
The monkey nodded.
“And what were you doing while all this was going on?”
“Driving,” mimed the monkey.

A couple were driving home late at night in the pouring rain when their car accidentally ran over a badger. They got out of the car to see whether it was still alive, and found that although it was very cold, the animal was still breathing. “What shall we do?” said the wife. “I know,” said the husband. “Put it between your legs to warm it up.” “But it’s all wet and it stinks!” “Well, cover the badger’s nose then!”

A man strolls into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some condoms. She asks, “What size please?” “Good question,” he replies, “ I’m not sure,” “Tell ya what. Right outside, there’s a fence with three holes in it, stick your dick in the holes and tell me which one it fits in,” suggests the lady. So he takes her advice, goes outside and puts his d**k in the first hole. A woman walks past, see’s his dick and starts feeling it. The man thinks, “Hey, this ain’t too bad.” Then he puts his dick in the second hole, another woman walks by, and gives him a blow job. At this point, he is literally blown away. He quickly shoves his dick in the last hole, and yet another woman walks by, and she starts to shag him. After they are done rocking, he high-steps it back inside and goes to the counter. The assistant asks “What size then?” “Forget the condoms,” says the man, “how much for the fence?”

At Heathrow airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of Central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses. As they rode towards Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity. Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes. Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a most ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation. She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, “Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I’m sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control.” George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, “Your Majesty, please don’t give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn’t said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses.”