Chapter 184

The race car driver picked up a girl after a race went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.

“What’s the matter?!? Didn’t I satisfy you when we screwed?” he asked.

“It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble,” said the angry woman. “In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, ‘What perfect headlights.’ Then you felt my thighs and murmured, ‘what a smooth finish.’”

“What’s wrong with that?” asked the driver.

“Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, ‘who the hell left the garage door open?’”

Little Johnny is sitting in class one day the teacher says, “I’m going to give you a letter of the alphabet and you need to give me a word that starts with that letter and use it in a sentence. OK, Let’s start with A”

Little Johnny raises his hand and shouts, “Teacher! Pick me! Pick me!”

The teacher thinks to herself, “I know what he’s going to say.” So she calls on another student.

Next, the teacher asks for the letters B, C, and D. and each time Little Johnny raises his hand the teacher ignores him and calls on other students. This continues until she reaches the letter U. By this time Little Johnny is almost jumping out of his seat. The teacher can’t really think of a bad word that starts with that letter. So she calls on him.

“U-R-I-N-A-T-E, urinate.”

The teacher rolls her eyes and says, “OK, now use it in a sentence.”

Little Johnny responds, “Urinate, but if you had bigger tits you would be a ten.”

Can’t sleep < SlappyYou >

Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago?

I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night!

Limerick An accident really uncanny Befell a respectable granny; She sat down in a chair While her false teeth were there And bit herself right in the fanny.

What did Fap say when he saw a dog licking his balls?...

Thanks.

Why does a dog lick his own balls?

Because he can.

A rich old lady’s birthday is coming up...

Her three sons want to impress her. They each go out in search for the perfect gift.

The first one, Frank, finds and buys a Swiss Chalet up on a mountain top. He sends her pictures and descriptions in her birthday card.

The second son, George, orders her a brand new multi-million dollar Lamborghini with all the bells and whistles to be delivered on her birthday. He sends concept pictures and descriptions in her birthday card.

The third son, Jack, wants something completely unique and searches the world for the best parrot available. He finds one that has a 10,000 word vocabulary in multiple languages and arranges for it to be delivered on her birthday.

They all show up on her birthday and are greeted at the door. She looks at them and shakes her head. Frank, I don’t know what you were thinking. With my old bones why would I want to be on top of a mountain in the cold? And George, you are a real ass. I don’t drive at my age and I’m not about to hire a driver for a two seater. But Jack, I loved your gift. That bird was delicious.

“What? You ate that parrot? He could speak 10,000 words in multiple languages...”

“Well, I guess he should have said something.”

Dictionary -

Acquaintance: a person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

Adolescence: the stage between puberty and adultery.

Airhead: what a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a traffic cop.

Architect: one who drafts a plan for your house, and plans a draft of your money.

Brain: the apparatus with which we think that we think. ( see penis )

Budget: a family’s attempt to live below its yearnings.

Cantaloupe: having to get married in church.

Catalyst: several cows’ names written in alphabetical order.

Condescend: a prisoner escaping down the wall using a rope.

Dentist: one who, while putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket.

Diplomacy: lying in state.