Chapter 181

Compliments of a friend of J & G:

I call her. She tells me my dog, Sluggo, just took a dump on the new carpet.

I’m like, ‘Shoot him.’

She goes, ‘That’s just like you, Ron. I have a genuine problem, and you’re being sarcastic.’

‘Alright, honey, I’m sorry. Put the dog on the phone. I’ll talk to him.’

“Listen to me when I tell you this: we’re all gay; it’s just to what extent are you gay.”

He goes, “That’s bullshit. I ain’t gay at all.”

I’m like, “Yeah you are, and I’ll prove it to you.”

He goes, “Fine. Prove it.”

I’m like, “Alright. Do you like porn?”

He goes, “Yeah, I love porn. You know that.”

I’m like, “Do you only watch scenes with two women together?”

“No, I watch a man and a woman making love.”

“Do you like the guy to have a small, half-flaccid penis?”

He goes, “No, I like big, hard, throbbing cocks.”

“Why are you a vegetarian?” I asked him. And it wasn’t even because meat is bad for you.

He said that “raising cattle was bad for the planet -- with cow flatulence in the ozone and the clearing of land for the raising of cattle. What are you doing to help the environment?”

“I’m eating the cow.”

On Deer Hunting:

If you ever miss one, it’s because the bullet’s moving too fast.

Slow the bullet down to 55 miles an hour, put some headlights and a little horn on it -- the deer will actually jump in front of the bullet.

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.

He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, “Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.”

The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer’s sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, “Now there are two!”

A farm boy who had just finished his schooling on the farm, was sent by his Ma and Pa to the big city to go to college. The first thing the boy does when he gets to town, is go to find a whorehouse. He goes inside to talk to the madam about getting a girl. She leads him upstairs, opens the door to a room and tells him to sit and wait for the girl to arrive.

After several minutes of anxious waiting, a young, blonde prostitute comes in. The boy is beside himself, and he leaps up from the bed, grabs the television, and throws it out the window. The girl thinks this is odd behavior, but she shrugs it off, and begins to undress. As she strips, the farmboy runs over, grabs the night stand and throws it out the window. Again the girl thinks this is odd, but being an experienced hooker, she figures it’s a fetish and continues disrobing. The girl removes her panties, and with that, the farm boy grabs the entire bed and starts lugging it toward the window.

The girl, figuring this is one even she hasn’t heard of, finally asks, “What the hell are you doing?”

The farm boy replies, “Ah ain’t never been with no woman before but, if it’s anythin’ like fuckin’ sheep, we gonna need all the room we can git.”

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.

The Redneck says, “I want my $20 million.”

To which the man replied, “No sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today, and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.”

The Redneck said, “I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it.”

Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, “Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!”