Jokes and Giggles Part Two
Copyright© 2017 by Jack Spratt
Chapter 181
Compliments of a friend of J & G:
I call her. She tells me my dog, Sluggo, just took a dump on the new carpet.
I’m like, ‘Shoot him.’
She goes, ‘That’s just like you, Ron. I have a genuine problem, and you’re being sarcastic.’
‘Alright, honey, I’m sorry. Put the dog on the phone. I’ll talk to him.’
“Listen to me when I tell you this: we’re all gay; it’s just to what extent are you gay.”
He goes, “That’s bullshit. I ain’t gay at all.”
I’m like, “Yeah you are, and I’ll prove it to you.”
He goes, “Fine. Prove it.”
I’m like, “Alright. Do you like porn?”
He goes, “Yeah, I love porn. You know that.”
I’m like, “Do you only watch scenes with two women together?”
“No, I watch a man and a woman making love.”
“Do you like the guy to have a small, half-flaccid penis?”
He goes, “No, I like big, hard, throbbing cocks.”
“Why are you a vegetarian?” I asked him. And it wasn’t even because meat is bad for you.
He said that “raising cattle was bad for the planet -- with cow flatulence in the ozone and the clearing of land for the raising of cattle. What are you doing to help the environment?”
“I’m eating the cow.”
On Deer Hunting:
If you ever miss one, it’s because the bullet’s moving too fast.
Slow the bullet down to 55 miles an hour, put some headlights and a little horn on it -- the deer will actually jump in front of the bullet.
There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.
He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, “Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.”
The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer’s sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, “Now there are two!”
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