Chapter 179

The following are compliments of a friend of J & G.

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods”. The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

A pretty young woman, visiting her new doctor for the first time, found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in. Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his (nude) patient up and down carefully. “Miss Jones” he said finally “It seems quite obvious to me that, until today, you have never had an eye examination”.

A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap clamped onto his testicles. As the horrified doctor was examining him, he said “Man, how did this happen?” The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles. “Oh” exclaims the doctor “The pain must have been excruciating!” “It was” said the hunter. “The second worst pain in my life”. “Second worst? What could have been worse than that?” “Coming to the end of the chain” said the hunter.

Mary, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any boys at the age of 19. Today she was asking her aunt Martha for advice with boys. “Aunt Martha” she started “I’ve just started French kissing Tommy and I need to know where the spit should go. I don’t want to dribble on my boyfriend”. “Swallow”. Her aunt advised. “This will make you even more popular later on”.

Sandra and Cindy were having a rare heart to heart talk. “What do you consider your worst vice?” Cindy asked. “I don’t like to admit it” Sandra said “but my worst vice is vanity. Sometimes I sit in front of the mirror and just admire my face”. “I wouldn’t worry about it” said Cindy. “That’s not vanity. That’s imagination”.

Two guys are walking through a game park and they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer “Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord”. He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer “Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive”.