Chapter 178

The following are compliments of a friend of J & G:

In the men’s bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a bartender were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The accountant finished first, zipped up and started washing, literally scrubbing his hands clear up to his elbows! He used 20 paper towels before he finished.

He turned to the other two men and commented “I graduated from the University of Finance and they taught us to be clean!”

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented “I graduated from the University of Criminality and they taught us to be environmentally conscious!”

The bartender zipped up and as he was walking out the door said “I graduated from Hospitality College and they taught us not to piss on our hands!!

A young pastor who normally rode a bike was walking despondently down the street when he came upon an older more experienced pastor.

The older pastor could see his young friend was troubled deeply. “What is bothering you my son?” he asked. “Well it appears a member of my congregation has stolen my bike” he replied.

The elder said “If I may give you some advice you might get your bike back. Next Sunday preach on the 10 Commandments and when you get to ‘Thou shall not steal’ really emphasise it”.

Well the next week they met again and the young pastor was once again riding his bike.

“Well “ said the older one “I see my advice worked”. “Yes” the young pastor replied “I took your advice and preached on the 10 Commandments and when I got to ‘Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I’d left my bike!”

Johnny’s teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast. To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg “E-G-G” “Very good” says the teacher.

Peter says he had toast “T-O-A-S-T?” “Excellent”.

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. “I had bugger all” he says “ B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L”. The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to Geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

Susan correctly identifies the capital of Australia. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Australia’s west coast.

When it’s Johnny’s turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson and decides to give him a very difficult question.

Johnny, she asks “Where is the Pakistani Border?” Johnny ponders the question and finally says “The Pakistani border is in bed with my mother. That’s why I got bugger all for breakfast”.

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.