Chapter 175

Some shorty’s from Dorsetmike

I bought a 12yr old scotch. His parents weren’t pleased about that.

What do you call a chicken looking at lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad.

My boss has announced he’ll sack the employee with worst posture. I’ve a hunch it’ll be me.

As a kid I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn’t afford a dog.

From a Friend of J & G.

Jokes

Recession beater. Wife says to husband “If you start riding that new bicycle I bought for you to work, we can get rid of the second car”. He replies “If you take it up the arse and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!”

We discussed the issue for an hour with both sides of the debate having their say. Eventually we held a vote and there were five “Yes’s” and only one “No”. It was a beautiful demonstration of democracy in action. Or gang rape as the police put it.

A bloke is sunbathing with nothing but a hat covering his penis. Two women walk past and one shouts “if you were a gentleman you would lift your hat to a lady!” The bloke replies “if you weren’t so ugly the hat would lift itself!”

Me: “I can’t believe they’re back together after all that shit”. Wife: “Who?” Me: “My arse cheeks”

“So let me get this straight” the prosecutor says to the defendant. “You came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man”. “That’s correct” says the defendant. “Upon which” continues the prosecutor “you take out a pistol and shot your wife, killing her”. “That’s correct” says the defendant. “Then my question to you is - why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?” asked the prosecutor. “It seemed easier” replied the defendant “than shooting a different man every day!”

My wife came back from work yesterday and yelled at me “All my friends’ husbands have bought an original pink and brown Juicy handbag!” I replied with a wink “Okay love, but tonight you’ll have to provide some pink and brown for me”. I was astonished when she nodded in agreement. I had always dreamt of this moment and it was finally here and, without fail, I went upstairs that night, and was not disappointed. It was just as good as I had ever imagined. My very own snooker table!

I’ve organized a charity night in aid of people who can’t reach orgasm, but don’t worry if you can’t come.

Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys. Rum and ice will ruin your liver. Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart. Gin and ice will ruin your brain. Pepsi and ice will ruin your teeth. There you have it ICE is fucking lethal, lay off the ice and warn all your friends, you could save a life and don’t forget what it did to the poor old Titanic!

Two old guys were sitting in the park talking when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said “Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older”. “What do you mean?” asked the second guy. “Well” replied the first. “I can barely remember the last time I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife - she’s healthier than ever!” “Healthier? How is that?” his buddy wondered. “Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she’d get these terrible headaches”. He answered. “Now that we’re older, she hasn’t had a headache in years”. Recession beater. Wife says to husband “If you start riding that new bicycle I bought for you to work, we can get rid of the second car”. He replies “If you take it up the arse and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!”

We discussed the issue for an hour with both sides of the debate having their say. Eventually we held a vote and there were five “Yes’s” and only one “No”. It was a beautiful demonstration of democracy in action. Or gang rape as the police put it.

A bloke is sunbathing with nothing but a hat covering his penis. Two women walk past and one shouts “if you were a gentleman you would lift your hat to a lady!” The bloke replies “if you weren’t so ugly the hat would lift itself!”

Me: “I can’t believe they’re back together after all that shit”. Wife: “Who?” Me: “My arse cheeks”