Chapter 173

Say thanks to fmwarmac‎ for the following:

An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by Staying overnight in an expensive hotel. When she checked out next Morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250... 00. She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high.

“It’s a Nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren’t worth $250.00 for just an overnight Stay! I didn’t even have breakfast.” The clerk told her that $250.00 is The ‘standard rate’, so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: “This Hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are Available for use.” “But I didn’t use them,” she said. “Well, they are Here, and you could have,” explained the manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel Shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from the World over performing here,” the Manager said. “But I didn’t go to any of Those shows,” she said.

“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied. No matter What amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, “But I didn’t use it!” and The Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes Discussion with the Manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and Gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

“But madam, this check is for only $50.00.” “That’s correct. I charged You $200.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied. “But I didn’t!” exclaims the very surprised Manager.

“Well, too bad, I Was here, and you could have.” Don’t mess with Senior Citizens!!!

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An old blind cowboy strolls into a bar one day. Without knowing it, he has actually entered an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He wanders over to a bar stool and asks the bartender for a shot of Jack Daniels.

He sits there for a while, then calls out to the bartender. “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

At that point the entire bar falls deadly silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a club.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, cowboy ... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

“No ... Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?” “¨”Of course child. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.” “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.” When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?” “I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”

Definition :

Trumping - the ‘art’ of talking through one’s arse.

From a Friend of J & G.

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, idly chatting and watching the front door of the brothel across the road.

They see the local Baptist pastor appear, knock on the door and quickly go inside.

“Would you look at that!” exclaims the first Irishman.

“Didn’t I always say what a bunch of hypocrites those Baptists are?”

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the brothel door, knocks, and also disappears inside.

“Dere’s another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and silly hats!”

They continue drinking while roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their local Catholic priest knock on the brothel door.

“Ah, now dat’s sad,” says the third Irishman, “One of the girls must have died.”