Chapter 168

This one is compliments of netmanager99

If I had a ranch where I raised Chinese bears...

Would it be called The Pandarosa?

Where did the word “politics” come from?

Well, on the one hand “poly” means “many”...

And on the other hand “ticks” are blood sucking creatures.

This one is compliments of sbrooks103

The Pope, Henry Kissinger and a Boy Scout are on a plane when they have to bail out, but there are only two parachutes.

Kissinger says, “I’m the smartest person in the world. I must be saved,” grabs a pack and jumps.

The Pope turns to the Boy Scout. “My son, I have lived a ling, full life. Take the other parachute and save yourself.”

The Boy Scout just smiles. “Don’t worry, Your Holiness. The world’s smartest man just jumped out of the plane wearing my backpack!”

The following items are compliments of J & B.

After the brief Falkland Islands war, a British regiment commander was addressing some troops under his command who had heroically performed above and beyond the call of duty. He informed them that Her Majesty’s Army had committed to reward each of the three soldiers 100 pounds per inch of distance between two different parts of the man’s body.

The commander addressed the first soldier, “Where would you like to be measured, Sergeant?”

“From the tip of me head to the soles of me feet, Sir!”, he replied.

“Very good!”, the commander said, and the sergeant was measured at 6’5”. He was paid the handsome sum of 7000 pounds.

The second soldier was asked, “What about you, Corporal?”

“Between the tips of the fingers of me outstretched arms, Sir!”, the corporal said.

“Very good!”, replied the commander. The corporal, a man of considerable wingspan, was rewarded 8000 quid.

Finally, the last soldier was addressed. “And you, Private, where would you like measured?”

“From the tip of me penis to the base of me balls, Sir!”, retorted the private.

The commander replied, “I must admit this is quite an unusual request, Private, but it’s your decision.” He ordered the private to drop his pants for the ensuing measurement. Immediately the general’s mouth fell agape and he stammered, “Where in God’s name are your gonads, Private?!!”

The private proclaimed, “Goose Green, Falkland Islands, Sir!!”

There was a little girl whose mother was very strict. Her mother tried to make her daughter behave in a very decent manner, but the girl was still three and half years old. One day the family went to a party, and in the middle of the party the girl cried, “Mommy I want to go peepee.”

This drew a lot of attention and the mother felt embarrassed about her daughter. At home she advised that whenever she wants to go to restroom she should say, “I want to sing.”

After a couple of days the girl’s grandfather came to visit them. She liked her grandfather very much. At night, she slept with her grandfather, who put her to sleep with a story.

After couple of hours, she woke up and said, “Grandpa I want to sing.”

The grandpa was afraid of causing a disturbance past midnight if the girl began singing, so he told her in a very low voice, “Honey, if you want to sing, sing in my ear.”