Chapter 164

From a Friend of J & G

A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available urinal, between two elderly men. He glances to his left and sees the guy pissing, but there are two streams.

“What the hell is that?” he asks. “War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes”

Then the guy looks to his right and sees ... three streams!

“What the hell is that?” “War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes”.

The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle and see... 12 streams!

“War wound??” “Nah my zipper’s stuck”

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. “Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt” the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers “Would you be willing to give up a quarter of your sex life to sink the putt?”

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says “Sounds good to me” and promptly sinks the putt!

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again “Gosh, I wish I could get an eagle on this one”.

The same stranger is suddenly at his side again and whispers “Would it be worth giving up another quarter of your sex life to make an eagle?”

Shrugging, the golfer replies “Okay” and, amazingly, he makes the eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says “Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?”

Definitely” the golfer replies, and, sure enough, he makes the eagle and wins the match!

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks along beside him and says “I haven’t really been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m Satan, and from this day forward you really will have no sex life at all”.

“Nice to meet you” the golfer replies “I’m Father Gleason”.

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, you name it. Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice “Easy William, we won’t be long ... easy, boy”.

Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say “It’s okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy”.

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William”.

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly man “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying ‘things would be okay.’ William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa!”

Thanks” said the grandpa “but I’m William. The little cunt’s name is Kevin”.

A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station.

As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked “Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”

The little boy replied “Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It’s on the left”.

The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said “I’m the new pastor in town. If you and your mummy come to church on Sunday, I’ll show you how to get to Heaven”.

The little boy replied with a chuckle “You’re fucking me, right? You can’t even find the Post Office!”