Chapter 163

From a Friend of J & G.

A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting. “Doc, my arm hurts real bad. Can you check it out please?” the man pleads. The doctor rolls up the man’s sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. “Hello, Doctor” says the arm. “Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I’m desperate!” “Aha!” says the doctor. “I see the problem. Your arm is broke!”

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farm hand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash. “No!” yelled the farmer “Don’t throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they’re delicious! They’re called sheep fries!” The farm hand saved the parts and took them to the farmer’s wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days ... and each evening they had sheep fries for supper. On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farm hand was and she replied “It’s the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!”

Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher. “Johnny” she said “you shouldn’t use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?” “My daddy said it” he responded proudly. “Well, that doesn’t matter” explained the teacher. “You don’t even know what it means”. “I do, too!” Little Johnny retorted. “It means the car won’t start”.

A Desperado rides into town and downs a few drinks at the saloon. When he steps outside again, he finds his horse has been stolen. The Desperado swears, steps back into the bar, and fires a round into the piano. The room goes dead silent. “I’m gonna have one more beer” the Desperado bellows to the terrified crowd “and if my horse ain’t back where I left him when I’m done, I’ll do here what I had to do in Houston”. The locals murmur uneasily as the Desperado sips his drink. Lucky for them all, when he steps outside again his horse has been returned. As the Desperado saddles up, a local can’t help but ask “Sir, what exactly was it you had to do in Houston?” The Desperado narrows his eyes and hisses at the man “I had to walk home”.

I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

A little boy at a wedding, looks at his mum and says “Mummy, why does the girl wear white?” His mum replies “The bride is in white because she’s happy and this is the happiest day of her life”. The boy thinks about this, and then says “Well then, why is the boy wearing black?”