Chapter 162

A Well Run Business

Me: I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. I took my computer down to the bar to do some data entries. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender, ‘What’s the w ifi password?’

Bartender: ‘You need to buy a drink first.’
Me: ‘Okay, I’ll have a beer.’
Bartender: ‘We have Molson’s Canadian on tap.’
Me: ‘Sure. How much is that?’
Bartender: ‘$8.00.’
Me: ‘Here you are. OK now, what’s the wifi password?’
Bartender: ‘ “youneedtobuyadrinkfirst”; No spaces and all lowercase.’
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Prince Harry’s Bachelor Party - Quote of the Day

It’s really weird stuffing money into a stripper’s G string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it.”

Compliments of technomage‎

Unitarian Universalist jokes

Q: What do you get when you cross a UU with a Jehovah’s Witness?
A: Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

You May Be A Unitarian Universalist If...

you think socks are too formal for a Summer service
you think the Holy Trinity is “reduce, reuse and recycle”
when you watch Jaws you root for the shark (“Hey, sharks have to eat too!”)
you think “Whatever” is a valid theological point
you think a Holy day of Obligation is your turn to bring coffee hour treats
you know at least two people who are upset that trees had to die for your church to be built.

Q: What is a Unitarian Universalist?
A: Someone who believes in life before death.
A: An atheist with children.
A: Just a Quaker with Attention Deficit Disorder.
A: Someone who approaches every question with an open mouth.
A: Unitarian means one, and Universalist means everything, so a UU is someone who believes in one of everything.

Arguing with a Unitarian Universalist is like mud-wrestling a pig: Pretty soon you realize the pig likes it.

A Unitarian Universalist died, and to his surprise discovered that there was indeed an afterlife. The angel in charge of these things told him, “Because you were an unbeliever and a doubter and a skeptic, you will be sent to Hell for all eternity -- which, in your case, consists of a place where no one will disagree with you ever again!”

A visitor to a Unitarian Universalist church sat through the sermon with growing incredulity at the heretical ideas being spouted. After the sermon a UU asked the visitor, “So how did you like it?”

“I can’t believe half the things that minister said!” sputtered the visitor in outrage.

“Oh, good -- then you’ll fit right in!”

For Jews, the deity is YHWH. For UU’s, it’s YMMV (Your Mileage May Vary).

There was a terrible car accident. A woman was lying in the street, covered in blood. Someone in the crowd shouted, “Call a priest!”

The woman opened her eyes and said, “I’m a Unitarian.”

“Then call a math teacher!”

HOW MANY (xxxxxx) DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

Anglicans: 8. One to call the electrician and 7 to say how much they liked the old one better.
Charismatics: Only one. Hands are already in the air.
Lutherans: Change?!?!?!?!?!
Mennonites: At least 15. One to change the bulb and 3 or 4 committees to approve the change. Oh, and a casserole.
Mormons: 5. One man to change the bulb and 4 wives to tell him how to do it.
Pentecostals: 10. One to change the bulb and 9 to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. God has predestined when the lights will go on and off.
Roman Catholics: None. They use candles.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey, you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb. Present it next month at our annual Light Bulb Sunday Service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Three children were talking about their religions.
“I’m a Catholic,” said one, “and our symbol is the cross.”
“I’m Jewish,” said the second, “and our symbol is the Star of David.”
The third child said, “I’m a Unitarian Universalist and our symbol is a candle in a cocktail glass!”
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A Hindu, a Jew, and a Unitarian were traveling one night in the midst of nowhere, and the weather turned bad. They started looking for shelter, and found a farmhouse. They knocked on the door and were greeted by a gentleman who understood their plight.