Chapter 160

From a Friend of J & G.

Teacher says to the class “Tell me a word beginning with “A”. Of course Billy says “Arse”. He gets told off and the teacher then asks for a word beginning with “B”. Jenny says “Bollocks”. Again she gets told off. The teacher decides to leave out “C” for obvious reasons and asks for a word beginning with “D”. Johnny calls out “Dwarf”. The teacher congratulates him and asks what a Dwarf is. Johnny replies “A short arsed cunt with massive bollocks and a cock that touches the floor!”

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?” St. Peter replied “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”

Three guys talk in a bar. Two discuss how they are king in their castles and how much their wives respect them. The third guy remains quiet. Finally, one guy turns to the quiet guy and asks “What about you? Do you rule your roost?” The quiet guy says “Well, just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees”. “What happened then?” they ask. “She said, ‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.’”

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed that bitch over.

Seth was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary guy” he said to her “but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million”. Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

What do you call a white woman with a yeast infection? Cracker with cheese.

“Dad is it better to pass or fail?” “To pass of course” “Oh good you’ll be proud of me! I passed my pregnancy test”

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down their local bar, when one said to the other “If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?” “Yeah, sure thing” replied his friend “fire away”. “Well” said the first guy “why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?” “It’s probably because of her speech impediment” replied the second guy. “What do you mean her speech impediment?” inquired the first fellow “My wife doesn’t have a speech impediment!” “Well” replied his friend “you must be the only guy who hasn’t noticed that she can’t say ‘NO’!”

Two men were finishing their work day and one said “I hate to go home!” Every night I eat the same tasteless food, wash the dishes, walk the dog, and then go to bed”. His co-worker asked “Why don’t you find a nice girl and get married?” As the first man slammed his briefcase shut he replied “I AM married!!” – There’s been a bad accident at my local Indian restaurant. Hope to god the chef pulls through. The last I heard he’d slipped into a korma.

Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years, to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him. His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked “What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore”. “I hired a professional worrier and I haven’t had a worry since” replied Jack. “That must be expensive”. Bob replied. “He charges $5,000 a month”. Jack told him. “$5,000!!? How in the world can you afford to pay him?” exclaimed Bob. “I don’t know, that’s his problem”.

A pastor is finishing up his sermon on Sunday morning... “In preparation for my sermon next week, I want you all to read Mark chapter 17. You are dismissed”. So next week everybody comes back to church. After singing a few hymns, the pastor comes to the pulpit. “How many read Mark chapter 17 like I said last week?” Everyone raised their hand. The pastor says “and it’s a great chapter, amen??” There are shouts of “amen!” from the congregation. Then the pastor smirks. “Well, Mark only has 16 chapters. I will now begin my sermon on the terrible sin of lying”. –