Chapter 16

These are compliments of Charm_Brights

“We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.”

NEW PRODUCT: MICROSOFT CONTRACEPTIVES

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive18, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings. The Contraceptive18 suite consists of three products: Condom18, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package.

The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive18 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive18 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and Don Juan niches. While Contraceptive18 does not address non-traditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.

OPERATION

Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom18 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, “It is now safe to turn off your partner”.

DRAWBACKS

Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time it’s used.

CONCLUSION

Contraceptive18 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera. Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive18’s potential. He recently said, “Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we’ve been doing to our customers for years.”

CRICKET

Two old men in white coats walk slowly on to a large field, each carrying three long sticks and two short ones.

The old man each set their three sticks upright, 22 yards apart, and balance the two short sticks horizontally on the top of them.

When they are satisfied with the alignment of these creations, they turn and look at twenty-two younger men who are milling about on the edge of the field.

Then it rains.

Firewalls are Wonderful

Damien O’Donnell, the director of “East is East” has produced a new film called “Heartlands”. It was filmed in South Yorkshire in England, and he decided to hold the World Premiere in the Paramount Cinema near where it was filmed, in the small town of Penistone.

In the course of arranging this he tried to deal with queries from the distributors, a Disney subsidiary called Buena Vista, by replying to their emails. Unfortunately none of his replies were ever received.

The problem was finally traced to the fact that the firewall they were using identified a word starting with p-e-n-i-s and rejected the emails as obscene.

Of course, if you have similar protection you may well not have received this email. If that is the case, please let me know at once.