Chapter 158

These are compliments of Fmwarmac

A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks. The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn’t understand what they were doing.

Finally, he approached the workers and asked, “I appreciate how hard you’re both working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again.

One of the city workers explained, “The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today.”

In the first year of marriage...

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

“What happened?” asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

“Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn’t make it out.”

“I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn’t see what the sign said.”

“By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view.”

“And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?” asked the visitor.

“Yes.”

“What did it say?”

“Don’t stand up in the car!”

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called to Satan to mock him, “So, how’s it going down there in Hell?”

Satan replied, “Hey, things are great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.” God was surprised, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here.”

“No way,” replied Satan. “I like having an engineer, and I’m keeping him.”

God threatened, “Send him back up here now or I’ll sue!”

Satan laughed and answered, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

This woman goes in for a facelift and the doctor says: “We’ve got this new method: I put a knob in the back of your head, and every time you feel like you need a lift, just turn it.”

She gets the knob implanted and is beautiful for five years.

But one day she notices a problem and returns to the doctor.

“I’ve got these huge bags under my eyes,” she complains.

The surgeon replies: “Those aren’t bags; those are your breasts.”

“Ah,” she sighs. “That explains the goatee.”

The juryman petitioned the court to be excused, declaring: “I owe a man twenty-five dollars that I borrowed, and as he is leaving town today for some years I want to catch him before he gets to the train and pay him the money.”

“You are excused,” the judge announced in a very cold voice. “I don’t want anybody on the jury who can lie like you.”

At a World Brewing Convention in the United States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day’s conferencing.

Bruce, the boss of Fosters, shouted to the barman,

“in ‘Strailya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, cobber.”

Rob, chief of Budweiser, calls out,

“In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all. Give me a pint of Bud.”

Hans steps up next,

“In Germany we invented beer. Give me a Beck’s, the real king of beers.”

Up steps Dutchman Jan, chief executive of Grolsch, who states that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of head on top.

Patrick, the CEO of Guinness, steps forward.

“Barman, give me a coke with ice please.”

The other four stare at him in stunned silence with amazement written all over their faces.

Eventually, Bruce asks, “Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?”

Patrick replies, “Well, if you lot aren’t drinking, then neither am I.”