Chapter 150

A man walked into a bar and ordered a twelve-year-old scotch. Believing that the customer would not be able to tell the difference, the bartender poured him a shot of cheap three-year-old house scotch.

The man took a sip before spitting it out on the bar. “I’m not drinking this!” he complained. “This is cheap three-year-old scotch. Now give me the good twelve-year-old scotch that I asked for!”

Still looking to cut corners, the bartender poured him a shot of a moderate six-year-old scotch.

The man took a sip before once again spitting it out on the bar. “This is just a six-year-old scotch,” he moaned. “I’m not paying for this! Now will you give me the twelve-year-old scotch I ordered?”

The bartender finally relented, and served the man his best quality twelve-year-old scotch.

The entire episode had been witnessed by an old drunk at the other end of the bar. He now walked up to the selective scotch drinker, put a glass down in front of him and asked: “What do you think of this?”

The scotch expert took a sip of the golden liquid and spat it out violently on the bar. “That’s disgusting!” he said. “It tastes like piss!”

“It is,” replied the old drunk. “Now tell me how old I am.

A man walked into a bar and said to the bartender: “Give me a beer before the arguments start.”

The bartender poured him a beer.

A couple of minutes later, the man said again: “Give me a beer before the arguments start.”

The bartender poured him another beer.

A few minutes later, the man said for a third time: “Give me a beer before the arguments start.”

Thoroughly confused, the bartender said: “Excuse me, when are you going to pay for all these beers?”

The man said: “Now the arguments start.”

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years and then finally dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch the wall!”

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?” When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,”

But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. “JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!”

The Teacher fainted.

One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the test, the prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately hand in their tests.

The young man kept writing furioulsy, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10 minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told him he would not take the test.

The student asked, “Do you know who I am?”

The prof said, “No and I don’t care.”

The student asked again, “Are you sure you don’t know who I am?”

The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in the middle, then threw the papers in the air.