Chapter 149

These are compliments of Fmwarmac

Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his Blonde brother and told him, ‘Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill.’

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

But when the $200.00 bills kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.

“Well,” said the Blonde brother, “you said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie. So I rented him a tuxedo.”

“If absence makes the heart grow fonder,” said a minister, “a lot of folks must really love our church.”

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.”

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”

He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it ... half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it ... It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer ... Well, Mister, I told her!”

A man tells his friend, “I went to my doctor to see if he could help me give up smoking.”

“What did he say?”

“He suggested that every time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a bar of chocolate.”

“Did that do any good?”

“No I can’t get the chocolate to light.”

A customer at Green’s Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor’s quick wit and intelligence.

“Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?”

“I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone,” Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won’t hear. “But since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you’ll be positively brilliant.”

“You sell them here?” the customer asks.

“Only $4 each,” says Green.

The customer buys three. A week later, he’s back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn’t any smarter.

“You didn’t eat enough,” says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he’s back and this time he’s really angry.

“Hey, Green,” he says, “You’re selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You’re ripping me off!”

“You see?” says Green. “You’re smarter already.”

Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place. Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream. Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed to cross. Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other,

“I’ve always wanted to be like the guys, and pee off a bridge.”

The other woman looks around and says,”Well, I don’t see anyone around, now’s your chance!”

The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins to pee, she looks over her shoulder.