Chapter 145

From a friend of J & G.

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders. As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender “I’ll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht. Sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, ‘I don’t know how you can make love to me with your type of body.’ So I asked her, ‘How about a little head?’”

Why did god create man before he created woman? Because he didn’t want any advice on how to do it.

I heard that in a poll of millennials, 50% of the males admitted they’d be willing to date female robots. I understand that in another poll, only 3% of female robots said they would be willing to date male millennials, mainly because they understood the snowflakes were unemployed, still living in their parent’s basement and had voted for Bernie Sanders. One of them, Roberta Robot, was quoted as saying “We may only be machines, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have standards”.

Standing on an Ikea podium from Sweden, behind bullet proof Saint Gobain Glass from France, smiling at a 4K Sony Japanese Video camera, speaking into a Dolby Sennheiser German microphone, with vigorous hand gestures giving a glimpse of a Rolex under the cuff made in Switzerland, he patriotically said “Buy American, Hire American, Stop Immigrants”. While standing beside a Slovenian wife.

A school teacher asks her class “What vegetable makes your eyes water?” Little Johnny replies “An eggplant”. “No Johnny” says the teacher “I believe you are thinking of an onion, aren’t you?” “No miss” Says Johnny “Have you never been hit in the balls with an eggplant?”

A father who is very much concerned about his son’s bad grades in math decides to register him at a catholic school. After his first term there, the son brings home his report card: He’s getting “A’s in math. The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know “Why are your math grades suddenly so good?” The son explains “when I walked into the classroom the first day, and I saw that guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew one thing: this place means business!”

A wife wanted an expensive fur coat from the executive husband to celebrate their Silver wedding anniversary. The miser overbearing rich husband rejected the expensive but affordable demand. He said “You grow the hair on your chest and I will give you fur coat to cover it”. The wife was out of control with anger. She pulls up her skirt, drops and throws her panties and pushes her hairy pubic area forward. She said “There! I have the hair on my chest, now buy me that damn coat!” “That’s not your chest, that is your pussy!” husband screamed back. “Oh yes that is my chest all right” she yelled back. “While we were dating this was your chest of hope. We got married and on our honeymoon you used to tease me it was your chest of pleasure. Then I started bearing children and it became your chest of family, and damn it. If you don’t buy me that fur coat, it is going to be the community chest of public!”

We have an old tree that became diseased and was losing its bark. We felt it needed a bark transplant and called a tree surgeon. The communication was mangled and when the surgeon arrived, he went to work on a tree across the street. He was halfway done when I noticed the error. I tried to stop him, yelling “Stop! Stop! You’re barking up the wrong tree!”