Chapter 140

The following are compliments of Mike S

Back in the olden days, Queen Elizabeth 1 was always on the lookout for a viral man for her bed. If the male in question didn’t satisfy her, the next thing was a trip to the tower and ‘off with his tackle’ so to speak.

Anyway Sir Walter Raleigh having just returned from a sea voyage was summoned to attend her bedchamber.

Knowing the fate of others before him and as his ship was being refitted, he cut off 3 feet from the bottom of the main mast, hid it under his cloak and proceeded to attend her majesty.

Blowing out as many candles as he could, he slipped into her bed, warmed her up then slipped the cut off mast in giving her a god fucking.

“Ohhh!” She cried, “Starting with your little finger, how quaint.”

A man goes to her doctor complaining that his sex life wasn’t as good as it was some years ago. No matter what he tried he couldn’t get any response from his wife.

The doctor checked him over, asked what he tried on her then agreed that she was losing interest.

“have some special tablets that you can give her, guaranteed to really get her totally feminine and give you everything you could possibly wish for in a woman.”

So that night he slipped one into her evening hot chocolate and off she went to bed.

‘If these tablets are as good as the doc says’ he thought, ‘I better take one as well to keep up.’

So he took one off he went to find out if these pills worked.

She was lying on the bed dressed in some sexy underwear saying “I really need a man.”

To which he replied, (in a falsetto voice) “And so do I.”

Bus driver, new to the route, had to pick up from an exclusive girls school.

As the young ladies got on, one exclaimed in a posh, condescending voice. “Driver, please wipe up that H2O on the floor.”

The driver smirked as he said ‘That’s not H2O, darling that’s K9P.”

A young man was rapidly approaching his wedding day, but he didn’t have a clue how to perform. Oh he knew what to do, as his mates had told him, “Stick it in, in and out, pull it out and wipe it.” This didn’t seem right, he wanted to satisfy his new bride on the wedding night, so he went to see the old man of the town for some advice.

“Well,” said the old man, “I can give you the best advice that I was given as a young’un.”

“Get a piece of string, a Hapenny and some sticky tape. Stick it to the left side of your body with the coin level with your hip bone. Then every night for half an hour stand and hit the coin with your hipbone flicking your hip sideways. Come back next week and I tell you what to do next.”

So off the young lad went and every night he practiced,’Hapenny, Hapenny, Hapenny’ in his mind. The next week he went to the old man again, “This time stick a Penny down to your right hip, then it’s Hapenny, Penny, Hapenny, Penny. And see me again next week.”

And again the young man practiced, ‘Hapenny, Penny, Hapenny, Penny.’

A week went by and again he went to see the old man.

“Now stick a Sixpence down till it touches your Asshole and it’s Hapenny, Penny Sixpence, Hapenny, Penny, Sixpence see me again in a week.”

Again the young lad practices, Hapenny, Penny, Sixpence, Hapenny, Penny, Sixpence.

Back to the old man the next week, “This time you stick a Shilling down till it touches your dick, then it’s Hapenny, Penny, Sixpence, Shilling, Hapenny, Penny, Sixpence, Shilling. Once you’ve got that practiced, you’ll be right. Stick it in and remember Hapenny, Penny, Sixpence, Shilling. Don’t have the coins attached, but just remember what you’ve been practicing for the last four weeks.”

So on his wedding night, off they go for their night of horizontal mambo, ‘O.K.’ he thinks, ‘Stick it in, Hapenny, Penny, Sixpence, Shilling’, over and over he does this till finally things start to happen, Hapenny, Penny, Sixpence, Shilling, Sixpence, Shilling, Sixpence, Shilling, Bugger the small change, Shilling, Shilling, Shilling, Ahhhh!’