Chapter 135

These are compliments of Fmwarmac

A couple were attending their first pre-natal class. So that the husband could get an idea of what it felt like to be pregnant, the instructor strapped a bag of sand to his stomach.

As he walked around with his new bulge, the husband said: “This doesn’t feel too bad.”

Then the instructor deliberately dropped a pen and said to the husband: “Now I want you to pick up that pen as if you were pregnant.”

“You want me to do it the way my wife would?” confirmed the husband.

“Exactly the same,” said the instructor.

The husband turned to his wife and said: “Honey, pick up that pen for me.”

A man and a woman were discussing the worst pain that anyone could possibly experience. The woman said: “Without doubt, there is nothing more painful in life than childbirth.”

“Nonsense,” said the man, “a kick in the bollocks is much more painful. Ask any guy.”

“You’re so wrong,” maintained the woman. “Childbirth is far more painful.”

The man was not about to yield to her argument and announced: “I have proof that I am right.”

“What proof?” she asked scornfully.

“Because,” he continued, “a few years after giving birth a woman will say to her partner, ‘Do you want to try for another baby?’ But I have never, ever, ever heard a man say – even years later – ‘You know what I’d really like? Another kick in the bollocks!’”

Q. My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. The more heavily pregnant I get, the more strangers smile at me. Why is that?
A. Because you’re fatter than them.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will I begin to feel normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s crazy and irrational.
A. So what’s your question?

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were undergoing their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to see that both of the men possessed extraordinarily long penises.

“How do you account for this?” he asked the brothers.

“It’s hereditary, sir,” replied the older brother.

“I see,” said the doctor, writing in his file. “Your father’s the reason for your elongated penises?”

“No, sir, our mother.”